We celebrated our 53rd anniversary September 1.  We had dinner at Tatsus in Prairie Village where we have celebrated many anniversaries if we weren't in a far flung corner of the Globe.  Bob didn't know it was our anniversary, but I did, and it seemed important to carry on the tradition.  Listen in on our "conversation":  Me:  It is our 53rd anniversary today!  Bob:  Oh, did you tell Betty?  Me:  Yes!
Bob:  What did she say?  Me: She said Happy Anniversary.  Bob: Oh, good.
In this post, we are going to be, as Elvis used to say, TCB (taking care of business).  It is a subject that people too often don't want to think about, as I think it reminds them of their mortality.  So if you will pardon me,  I am going to get on my soapbox, and since I don't want to split this important information up, it may be a long post.  We had our first will drawn up when the children were little, but then we waited much too long to have it revised.  It was revised about 10 years ago, and was much more complicated as it also involved a trust, and of course our circumstances had drastically changed!  And as a nurse, I can't stress enough the importance of having a living will, a durable power of attorney for health care, and a durable power of attorney for the financial side.  I was on the ethics committee at the hospital and that brought the urgency home even more.  I can't tell you how complicated things get when a patient's wishes aren't written down, and the family is trying to decide what they would want done.  The most bizarre case was when a patient in renal failure had written in his will that he wanted his body frozen to await the time when a cure would be found, and then he could be unfrozen, and live on.  Google "cryonics"--it is being done! Of course there was money involved, and the family was in a huge fight!  SO PLEASE!  Even if you are 18 years old, get the living will done, and be as specific as you can.  And please address organ donation wishes, as well.
Bob was intensely interested in our finances, and I trusted him, and let him take care of all of it.  He would voraciously read books and magazines on the subject.  I would glance at them, but it wasn't the light reading I wanted after a long night at work.  Even the grandkids realized his passion.  We were once playing school with 3 year old Emme, and Bob committed some infraction.  She, as the teacher, lost patience, and told him to go sit in a corner and read the Wall Street Journal!  His idol was Warren Buffet, and we used to tease him about that.  He realized when we first started working at the hospital that we needed to save our money, and while I was totally on board, I wasn't sure how we were going to do that.  But we did, and he early on started investing with his friend and financial advisor that he trusted.  Again, I let him manage all of that, while I managed the household.  But when I realized that he could not do it much longer, I started attending their periodic meetings, and tried to understand the intricacies of our financial world.
Early this year we again revised our will.  I am going to emphasize again, PLEASE find a good elder care attorney that lives in that space.  I know you will ask "How do I find one?"  Our financial advisor recommended one, and another good way is word of mouth.  The laws vary from state to state, and change constantly, and you need someone that keeps up with that.  These past few months have been a steep learning curve, and I will give you a brief synopsis of what I have learned, but you need to find an elder care attorney for your own financial needs and situation.  It also helped to have gone through some of this with my mother.  If and when I need to put Bob in a facility, the minimum charge now is about $5,000 a month, not covered by Medicare.  Then the fee increases as the level of care escalates.  That is when we will have to start spending down his IRA!  In Missouri, if his IRA would be spent down, I would have to start spending my IRA down for his care.  BUT in Kansas, where we thankfully live, my IRA would be protected for my care.  There is also something called "distribution of assets," but timing is critical for that, and needs to be tailored to your needs.  The next scenario is what if Bob's IRA was spent all the way down.  What would happen then?  If the facility he was in did not accept Medicaid, when you could no longer pay out of pocket, they would probably give you 3 days to find a place that would accept Medicaid.  AND when you were looking at places in a frantic rush, and you told places where you were looking he would be on Medicaid, they would say they had no beds, when they probably did.  So you would need to watch and move your loved one to a place that accepts Medicaid a few months before your funds run out, and of course it wouldn't be a pristine facility in most cases.  So you would need to choose carefully.  The personal out of pocket funds (after division of assets) have to be spent down to $2000 in Kansas before Medicaid will take over.  The spouse that is not in the facility can keep the car (buy a new one!), the house, and as I mentioned, in Kansas, can keep their IRA.  Social workers are also invaluable resources to help walk you through all of this, as they know the different facilities well.  The elder care attorney that I am going forward with charged one fee, and now will have meetings with me every few months to revisit our current status.  The only more that would be charged would be if things needed to be revised drastically.  I trust him as he was in another area of law practice, but when he saw the huge need in elder care law, he changed his focus, to help people navigate these rough waters.  And a friend in the support group has used him for years.
Back to Bob.  He is losing mobility, and has fallen, so I try to get him to always use a cane now.  The other day he was getting up out of a chair with difficulty, and he started singing "The Old Grey Mare, she ain't what she used to be!"  I have no doubt that your prayers have made him mellow again, so I can keep him at home longer.  He is sleeping a lot, and I still can get out and he doesn't wander--yet.  I guess the statistics are that 60% of Alzheimer's patients wander.  I pray he is in the 40% that don't!  Yesterday he gave me a sweet caress, and although he called me his daughter when he did it, it will become a treasured memory, if I don't lose MY memory!  As Dr. Seuss says, "Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."  And sometimes the moments are fleeting!
I hope at least some of this has been helpful to you as you age gracefully!
Betty