I have wanted to write this post for a long time but I have been too chicken.  But many people have said that God must have a purpose in keeping Bob alive.  Maybe the purpose is so I will write on this subject?! Now that I have your attention, let me update you on Bob's condition first.  He is down to 126 pounds, but he seemed to be choking some, so my favorite nurse suggested that they puree his food.  He seems to be eating a bit better since then, but I am still allowed to give him Teddy Grahams, which he seems to like now. There is still a lot of blood in his urine, and now he is passing blood clots.  But to look at him, you wouldn't know anything is wrong, and he still has a very firm grasp on my hand.  On Father's Day when our son Ron was there, he even batted a balloon a little.  

Now for the juicy part.  When I went on the trip to Maryland, I was able to stop by the church where we got married.  Looking at it made me remember all over again why I married Bob.  In addition to his regular job, he was caretaker of the church, both inside and out.  He kept flowers planted in the summer.  It is the church where, with my father officiating we said our vows: "For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, so long as we both shall live."  I posted the picture on Facebook, and there were 84 reactions to it.  Some comments also mentioned that they too had been married in that church.  And one comment I laughed at said that it was on the porch of that church where she first saw women with no seam up the back of their nylons!  Such scandal!  What would old people think of the bare legs today?!  But seeing the church sparked other memories for me.  After church, after everyone was gone, Bob would lock up the church.  A friend of his had a convertible and 6 of us would pile into it.  Bob and I always sat in the front seat, as it was a bench seat!  We would go to the Hot Shoppes on Edmondson Avenue, and Bob would buy everyone lunch.  I will send this blog to Sid, another occupant of the car!  After lunch, they would drive Bob and I back to the church, and go on their way.  The church wasn't air conditioned, but Bob had carefully turned on the window air conditioner in the pastors study before we left so it was nice and cool.  We spent the afternoon there.  Maybe the windows steamed up, I don't know.  We had decided not to have premarital sex, so we left our clothes on.  And that is all I am going to say about that.  A year later after our wedding and the reception in the annex, we were out on that same porch when the old German man that was going to take Bob's place came up to him and asked if Bob was going to stay and clean up the church.  Um, NO!  We were anxious to go get a room!  We headed toward the destination of our first job in Hinsdale, Illinois pulling a small U-Haul with all our earthly possessions.  We stopped at the first motel we saw on the Pennsylvania turnpike, and fortunately it was a nice one.  One of the church ladies that had taken Bob under her wing and was like a surrogate mother to him had told him since I would have a filmy negligee (I did) that he should have a nightshirt, which he dutifully put on.  A few days after we got to our new apartment a package came in the mail.  It was the nightshirt that we had left at the motel and we hadn't even missed it!  He never wore it again.  And that is all I'm going to say about that.  

Now to the real subject of this post.  The Creator made male and female and it is normal to long for the the companionship of the opposite sex.  But as it does with everything, Alzheimer's turns everything upside down.  I think of a book I read early in our journey into Alzheimer's.  The title is "Jan's Story", and the author is her husband, Barry Petersen.  Some of you may remember him as a correspondent for CBS news.  Jan was a vibrant, active, and healthy lady who was also a correspondent for CBS news.  They traveled extensively together.  Then Barry started seeing changes in Jan, and thought, just like I did with Bob, that it was only jet lag.  Then came the diagnosis, and Jan was only 55.  Since it was early onset, it progressed rapidly.  Long story short, Barry met another lady, and they became a couple.  Jan was in a facility by that time, but Barry still watched over her lovingly and they became a three-some.  At the time, I remember thinking "How could he do that?" But as the years have passed, and the long good-bye of Alzheimer's drags on, I have learned not to judge anyone.  I belong to 2 support groups.  One is for the widowers and widows; have I mentioned how much I hate that word?  It reminds me of a spider.  I am so glad that they invited me to join their group as we went through so much together.  Several of their spouses died during Covid.  I have seen how different people handle the need for companionship.  Sometimes as soon as the spouse dies, some will get on Match.com.  Others will wait awhile.  And some people I know have gotten happily remarried.  The consensus in that group seems to be that most would like to have a friend to go to dinner with, but not get married again, and I think I fall in that category.  I know Bob was always faithful to me even though he traveled a lot and I have always been faithful to him. But I am going to go see the Elvis movie tomorrow.  Now if Elvis wanted to make passionate love to me (HA, HA) could I resist the wiles of the devil?!  Oh wait!  He would be 80 plus years old, and not such a pretty picture anymore!  The point I am trying to get across is, don't condemn someone until you have walked in their moccasins. 

I terribly miss the Bob that was Bob.  We always held hands wherever we went.  Except church, when we were going in opposite directions to our various duties, arms weighed down with "stuff".  Now when I see a couple walking along holding hands, I almost get misty-eyed.  We had "to have and to hold" for many years, and I am so blessed by that.  I cherish the memories, and if you still have your beloved, please give them an extra kiss tonight.

Betty

 I am in a "devil-may-care" mood today.  Some of you have said you appreciate me being transparent.  So hang on to your hats, here we go!

When I wrote the last blog, Bob had had a urinary tract infection that continued even after a round of antibiotics.  I had a trip coming up that I planned in January, and I agonized over taking the trip, even up to the day before.  I was afraid he would get septic and pass while I was gone.  But the nurse at Hillside told me to go and they would take good care of Bob, and I knew they would.  And I decided that he would want me to go, so I did.  I planned to see his relatives, that were starting to deal with the problems that come with aging.  Some of you know about those, don't you?! We had a cookout the Sunday before Memorial Day.  We needed Bob there to tell his stories.  Usually Bob was the life of the party, and as he didn't drink, he had to carry the party until the others got drunk enough to start talking!  Fortunately we have some of those stories recorded for posterity, first on VHS, and then I had them transferred to a DVD.  I could tell you some of those stories, but I draw the curtain here.  But they were all true...And I got to go to the Eastern Shore of Maryland which is much different from mainland Maryland.  Bob's family all came from there and the town of Woolford is where his ancestors came from.  I got to go to the Old Trinity Church, built in 1675.  It is the oldest church in the USA that is still in use.  The graveyard surrounding the church has many headstones with the name "Woolford", some from the 1600s and some illegible.  When Bob passes, I will take some of his ashes and scatter in the peaceful river that runs right by the church.  I also was able to take more time on this trip and see things I had never seen before, such as Aunt Kate's house, and another Woolford cemetery that we happened on accidentally.  We also visited a Victorian house where I lived as a teenager in Chestertown.  It is a historic, quaint old town, that has many beautiful homes built in the 1700s.  It also has a college there that was started in the 1700s, Washington College.  All the houses there have been kept up, including the one I lived in 63 years ago.  Unfortunately I didn't appreciate it like I should have, as the house didn't have air conditioning.

And I got to see my forever friend Marian, who lives in Hagerstown.  We have been friends since I walked into a new school on my 16th birthday, having moved from beautiful Coeur d'Alene (heart of the mountains) Idaho to Baltimore.  Of course I was shy and afraid, but she immediately came up to me and from that moment on we "clicked"!  We have kept in touch through the years and have seen each other a lot.  I miss all the historical things to do in Maryland.  I got to see Antietam (Civil War battlefield and an old favorite), Annapolis (the Capitol of Maryland and oozing with history), Flight 93 memorial in Pennsylvania (a new site for me, and totally worth seeing).  

I flew home at midnight Wednesday, and went to see Bob Friday and for several hours today.  He is the same as when I left, but there is still a lot of blood in his urine.  Of course I worked in a hospital, and all the UTIs that came in untreated had turned to sepsis.  So something else must be going on.  But as I said last month,  I am not going to put him through going to the hospital and through a battery of tests to see what it is.  I just wonder how long he can go on loosing this much blood.  He is like the energizer bunny--he just keeps on going!  And he still doesn't seem to be in pain.  If he is in pain, he would let people know it.  When I try to cut his fingernails (a podiatrist does his toenails) and I get to close to the "quick" he lets me know with a vehement OUCH!

Okay, here comes the shockers, and you can agree or disagree!  I have come to the conclusion that to he** with the healthy eating and exercising.  In the end it doesn't pay as you can't die.  As I have said before, Bob belonged to an online rowing club and he used the rowing machine 2 hours a day.  Why torture yourself??  He fell off the "wagon of healthy eating" once when he discovered Ben and Jerry's ice cream in Vermont.  He even had it shipped to Kansas on dry ice before it was carried in stores here.  Then he decided that it was counterproductive to his exercising and he gave it up.  Look!  He could have enjoyed it all these years!  In the end, SOMETHING is going to get you.  I saw all this tongue in cheek, as I am playing pickleball twice a week and do yoga to try to stay healthy.  So saying,  I have succumbed to the wiles of coffee flavored Haagen Dazs and I am going to enjoy it!

The other thing people don't like to mention is the financial aspect.  But I have seen people in the support wrestle with it, spend down so they could get on Medicaid, and go bankrupt.  BTW, in Kansas, the wife's 401K is protected in that spend down, but just a few miles away in Missouri it is not.  Not fair!  Some of the members have moved to Kansas to get around that.  And forget putting it in your children's names.  There is a 6 year look back for people that try that.  We have a wonderful stock broker and financial advisor, but I know how Bob felt in the 2008 downturn.  The cost per month where he is is between $7300 and $7500 a month, depending on how many days are in the month.  And that is because the facility is rural.  In the closer suburbs it is much higher, with generally much less care.  If Bob knew those facts, he would have a heart attack or if there was a plug to pull, he would pull it.  And the downturn in our portfolio last month was enough to give me a heart attack.  Along with the price of gas to go see him 3 times a week.  But that is important to me, and I will keep it up.  

Well, today started out bright and sunny, but now it is grey and overcast with another chance of rain, which is fine because the yard sprinkler system is broken and they are waiting for parts.  At least maybe this has brightened your day!  Again, tongue in cheek!

Betty