I am afraid this may be a long post, but I don't want to split it up, so I hope you will bear with me through to the end.  This will be a difficult subject to approach, and I realize it will be controversial, but I welcome your comments, pro and con, either on Facebook, by email, or on this blog.
About a year and a half ago when our travels started to lessen (we used to go to Botswana, now we go to Branson!) we started attending our home church again.  The associate pastor gave a sermon about faith, and how if we believe anything hard enough it will come to pass.  She gave many Biblical texts, such as if we have faith the size of a mustard seed it would move mountains, and cited examples like the battle of Jericho.  I struggled with this long enough that I finally made an appointment to see her for a friendly discussion (I assured her!).  She remembered the sermon well, as it hadn't been that long.  She said some of the church members interpreted it to mean that if we had enough faith, we could eliminate the church debt.  To them I would answer "faith without works is dead"!  But I told her I had other questions, ones that she had not addressed in the sermon.  What if I were to pray fervently that Bob would be healed, but healing did not come?  I told her that maybe my experiences as a nurse made me form my opinions,  and I could not get over that.  I have seen so many fervent prayers in the hospital over the years for babies and children all the way up to 95 year olds for healing.  "Doctor, yes granny is 95 years old, but please put her on the ventilator and do everything possible while we pray for a miracle".  And the whole church it seemed was there praying on these occasions, and the patient still died, be it a one year old or 95 years old.  And what about the examples that my good friends who are atheists cite--why did God allow the holocaust to happen?  Yes, I know Satan is hard at work in this old world, but couldn't God have rescued just the one Syrian refugee child found dead on the beach?  I have read and reread the book "When bad things happen to good people" by Harold S. Kushner and hope we fall under the "good people" category!  Anyway, the pastor said yes, she was sorry she didn't address the subject of healing, but there are 3 ways people are healed.  First, there is a miracle and the person is healed right away.  Secondly God says "wait awhile" and the healing comes later.  And third, God says no, but the person is healed when the earth is made new and we go to heaven.  I thanked her, we had prayer, and we left.
It was not long after this that something else happened.  I stopped at Holiday cleaners (and this is a non paid commercial) near Shawnee Mission Parkway and Nieman.  I had stopped there weekly over the years to drop off Bob's shirts on my way home from work.  The Kim family runs the business, and I cannot say enough good about them.  The mother and I had developed a real friendship, as at that time of day she was not busy and had time to talk.  But her English was halting, so there were a lot of hand gestures in our conversations.  Their story, and how they came to own the business is amazing.  They came from South Korea, and the father is a Korean pastor, and someone in Kansas sponsored them.  Well, they put their daughter Esther, born in Korea, through law school, and now she is helping run the business but is also studying to be a counselor, which I am sure she was meant to be.  She speaks impeccable English, so now I could understand more of their story.  This particular day, both the mother and daughter came out to the car to say "hi" to Bob and something must have impressed them.  They both laid hands on Bob, and in the most pleading voices, implored God to straighten out the tangles in Bob's brain, and make him whole again.  I have never heard such prayers.  Then they sang a wonderful song.  Bob and I then drove on to West Flanders park where we have walked on the walking trail for many years.  Bob will no longer walk, but he will sit on a bench while I do.  I started off, and there on the sidewalk it was written in chalk in big letters GOD LOVES YOU.  I was already teary from the encounter at the dry cleaners, and this just reinforced it!
So, at the risk of sounding naive, I have come to the conclusion that faith is the "substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen".  Hebrews 11:1 But I am a "get it done" person, and I want everything to happen right now, and it produces stress when it doesn't!  But, faith reassures us that everything will happen in God's timing.  The serenity prayer has become my mantra!
So, as the song says "His eye is on the sparrow" and I cannot help but believe that Bob is more valuable than a sparrow, so he will have to be in God's hands.  We will walk the pathway God has chosen for us.
This thanksgiving I am thankful for so many big things.  Chief among them:
1.  Family and friends
2.  A new support group that is awesome (and I hope are reading my blog)
And the little things:
1.  The leaves this fall seem especially colorful
2.  New healthful recipes I have been trying that we both are enjoying!

I want to wish all of you a very happy Thanksgiving,
Betty

I have not written a new post for awhile as we have been traveling.  Travels can turn into travails, but this was a very nice road trip, and the fall colors were in all their glory, in various stages as we went through mountain, plains, etc.  We cannot fly anymore, as Bob is sure he knows which gate we leave from (not the right one ever) and is sure he can get up during the flight even if the "fasten seat belt" sign is on, and cannot be dissuaded otherwise on either of these things.  But riding in the car with easy listening music on is very peaceful and he can nap easily.  (I drink coffee to stay awake then, or crunch on ice, or eat celery sticks!)  I had a music station on Sirius XM this time that was NOT easy listening, and it had quite a beat to it.  I was jigging my head to the music and he said "I don't jiggle my head around like that.  I am very careful with my brain, and how I use it and who I use it on."  LOL!  Another one of his sayings that makes me giggle is when people ask him how he is doing and he replies "I am just as happy as if I had good sense".
Last year at this time we were traveling Scottsdale, AZ where the grandkids lived then, back to KC.  We had never seen Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico and it was on my bucket list, so we took a more southerly route to divert and see them.  We were walking along the mile long roped off path through the Caverns and I stopped to take a picture.  For those of you who know me well, imagine that!  I turned around after taking the picture and he was GONE!  I called out and only got the echo in response.  I thought maybe he had gone ahead and needed to use the restroom, so he was walking faster, and he would have had to stay on the trail (hopefully!)  I kept asking Park Rangers I came to if they had seen him and they all said they had; there weren't many people there that day.  I got to the end, and got to the underground lobby area and called into the men's restroom, but there was no answer.  Now I was really panicked!  I didn't think he would have gotten on the elevator, but I got on and went up the 70 stories to the main entrance.  There he was, telling a Park Ranger that he had lost his wife.  Such relief flooded over me.  I went up to Bob and said, "Well!  I have lost my husband, so why don't we get together?"  And off we went, as the Ranger winked at me!  Needless to say I am more careful now to keep him in my sights!  I have gotten bracelets for both of us to wear with phone and contact info.  His says "Alzheimer's" and mine says "Caregiver".  I didn't think he would wear his, but since I have bragged that we have matching bracelets, he will wear it.  Since I am still able to go out and run errands etc. and leave him at home, I got to thinking what would happen if something happened to me while I was out, like an auto accident.  If I wasn't able to speak, no one would know there was someone at home that needed help, until they got ahold of our daughter, the emergency contact.  The Alzheimer's Association says 60% of Alzheimer's patients wander (my dad did).  But Bob seems very content to stay home and watch TV, and nothing is amiss when I return home.  He has NEVER in this life touched the stove, so why would he now?!  It may change at some point that I am unable to leave him, and then will have to have someone come in to sit with him.  I have already had people volunteer to do this!  But for now, it is a huge blessing to be able to go out, and even have lunch with friends.
Anyway, this trip we went to Chattanooga, TN where the grandkids that lived in AZ moved last summer.  My parents had retired near there, so it deja vu going back there, and seeing all the familiar things.  We watched the grandkids while our daughter-in-law went to a convention in Phoenix, of all places!  (I miss traveling to AZ!)  Things went pretty well until near bedtime, when Bob starts having sundown syndrome, the 6 year old is so tired she is grumpier than a bear coming out of hibernation, the 12 year old granddaughter needs help taking the new Bichon Poo puppy out, and I am trying to convince the 14 year old grandson to find the channel the KC Royals championship games are on so I can at least listen to them!  I feel like a need the arms of an octopus!  And brain of something bigger than me, like an elephant!
The hardest part was when our son who lives in Nashville joined us for a family birthday dinner on the last evening.  The grandkids cannot remember the cardinal rule of Alzheimer's communication--"Never argue, instead agree."  But they told Pop Pop that Ron was his son, and Bob would not agree to that.  He kept saying "That is not my son".  And they could not understand why he couldn't understand that.  I finally was able to divert the conversation to another subject.  When the grandkids were toddlers, that was the key word Bob and I used, "DIVERT!"  It helps in a lot of situations now!
We stopped in St. Louis on the way back where our other grandson lives.  He is 11, and has perfected the science of dealing with Pop Pop.  He was on his device the whole time Bob talked to him--for 2 solid hours nonstop--and had Bob totally tuned out!  I went in the room at one point and Jaden looked up at me and grinned sheepishly!
So we are home and back to familiar surroundings, and back to our regular routine, which helps!
Happy trails,
Betty