I didn't write a blog during the month of June.  My mother used to write articles, mainly for children's magazines, and she had many published!  She would say that she couldn't write until the "muse" hit.  I heartily agree and the muse didn't hit in June!

First of all, granddaughter Libby came to visit and that was a highlight of the month.  She could only stay 2 weeks this year, as she was busy at home with all the activities a pre-teen girl is involved with.  But she saw Pop Pop several times when she was here, and as usual can get him to react in ways that no one else can!  She played with balloons with him (an old game of theirs) and he would try to bat it back with his hands, but he found that hitting it back with his head like a soccer ball worked better!  And she was able to feed him some strawberries, a favorite of both of them.  And of course there were M&Ms which they shared.  My friend Judie and I drove her home and it was a fun trip for all of us.

Bob developed an ominous rattle in his chest about the middle of June but so far it has remained bronchial and he has had the strength to cough up the crud, so it hasn't developed into pneumonia yet.  Daughter Valerie and family came for Father's Day and we went to see him and took pictures in case his condition suddenly got worse.  He developed a slight fever, but seemed to shake it off.  Again, as with earlier infections, I agonized about antibiotics.  I didn't have to make a decision, but this time I think I would have said "no".  He is not eating, and visibly declining, so I don't want to prolong it.

I have been going out to see Bob frequently since I returned from the trip.  I have quit asking if he is eating or not, because it is so sporadic that I can't handle the emotional roller coaster it was causing to know one way or the other.  But he has lost 9 pounds in the last month, so it is consistently a downward spiral.  I have gotten to feed him in his room twice this week.  He still will take thickened liquids, but chokes on them sometimes.  He just takes a few bites, and that is it.  He doesn't even want the Magic Cups, which are like ice cream.  BUT, sneak a few M&Ms in between his lips, and he eats them with obvious relish!  Usually I just sit and hold his hand.  Today he stroked my hand with his other hand.  

I found this in my file and it seems like an appropriate time to use it.  The last 3 paragraphs are mine.

I believe that when a loved one has dementia you experience many layers of grief.

The first wave of grief comes with the diagnosis.  The realization that the person who has supported you all your life, will no longer be able to do so, no matter how hard they try.

Grief the first time they struggle to remember your name or your relationship to each other.

Grief when you have to accept that you no longer can keep them at home.

Grief as they lost the ability to communicate, as another piece of the jigsaw is lost.

Grief as you watch the body deteriorate, along with the mind, and you rave at the injustice of it all.

Grief when you know, but you want to deny, that the inevitable is happening to you and your loved one, and you will be separated.  

But you ask, as so many in my support group have tearfully asked, "How much longer can this go on?"

I wish I could answer that question.  But I can't.  Only God knows, and it is all in His hands.

Until next time,

Betty