I usually only post a new addition to my blog about every month. But so many people have asking how he is doing and how I am doing, that I decided to write it tonight. Thank you all for your messages of love and support via Facebook and email. They mean a lot to me. He has been there for a week today. In that week, I had had time to sort out my myriad of feelings and also get some needed rest. I slept for 11 hours for a couple of nights. I guess I was more tired than I would admit!
First of all, I am SAD. No one could love Bob like I love him. (Isn't there a song like that?!) And no one could care for Bob like I could care for him. After all, I am a nurse, and I was giving him 1:1 care. Where else can you get such good staffing ratios?!
Then there is RELIEF. Relief that I was finally able to make the decision and be at peace with it. When both the Executive Director of The Piper and the Director of Nurses came to our home to evaluate Bob, I was so impressed. First of all, the DON had been a nursing assistant at SMMC. She worked days, so I didn't know her, but her now- husband worked nights as an RN on telemetry and I knew him well, and loved him! I am happy for them, and so proud of her! There is so much I like about The Piper. On weekends there is as much staff as on weekdays. The mealtimes are flexible, and if the resident doesn't want to eat when it is served, the staff will serve them later. If they don't like what is on the menu, they will fix them something different. (They have a whole list of Bob's favorite foods that they asked me to provide). They also allow pets. I would say that this is mostly on the assisted living floors, but there have been some on the dementia units, and the staff will also care for them for an extra fee.
Then there is PEACE. I may be wrong, but I don't think I will feel the guilt that so many people voice in the support groups. When they get rested up, they look back and think they could have gone on longer. Bob is going to have physical therapy, and I think that will do him a world of good. Maybe it will give him better balance and better strength so he won't fall, as he has fallen a couple of times since being there. I was right by his side the last 3 days, or he would have fallen more at home.
When I have been out to see Bob, he seems very content. He has never asked to come home with me, and that makes it easier. When I tell him I am leaving, he always says "Please be careful."
Then I am discomBOBulated! I can only compare this to when we have lost a beloved pet. You look at their favorite chair, fully expecting to see them curled up in it. Or you look behind you, fully expecting to see them following you. I have thought I have heard him breathing softly in the bed beside me. I am sure this will get better with time, although you miss them so. But I think of all the women that I know, and those that I don't know, who live alone for whatever reason. Even if you divorce and are happy to get the ******out, there must be a sense of loss. I am having to get used to cooking for one. I have never cooked for one before! The more people I am cooking for, the happier I am! But maybe it will help me lose a few unwanted pounds! So I am having to get used to a new "normal". But Erma Bombeck once said that "normal" is a setting on your washing machine!
I imagine that some people feel PITY for me. I know I did years ago when someone we knew was in my situation (little knowing that it would be my journey someday). But I am here to tell you there are worse things. Just look at the ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) patients whose body is deteriorating before their very eyes, they are unable to breathe, and yet their mind is totally alert! Or a mother or father, or grandmother or grandfather who has lost a child to death or heaven forbid, to abduction, and you don't know where they are, or if they are alright. I would have to be hospitalized, and sedated if that were the case.
Our support group was today and it was very timely for many of us. One lady whose husband's room was right across the hall from Bob's at The Piper died very suddenly and unexpectedly Wednesday. She was at the group to say good-bye, as after you lose your loved one, they ask that you find a grief support group. It brings the reality of the fragility of life very close to home.
I am hunkering down this weekend by the fireplace and read a good book. There is supposed to be an ice storm, but I can relax knowing Bob is well cared for even if I can't traverse the roads to go out to see him. But it still brings to mind the frantic times at the hospital when there was an ice storm and staff couldn't make it in. One of my hats as the night supervisor was to provide staffing for the next shift, and it still gives me nightmares!
One last quote--author unknown. "Faith is not about everything turning out OK. Faith is about being okay no matter how things turn out."
Betty
Friday, January 13, 2017
Friday, January 6, 2017
When I wrote the December post we were getting ready to go to St. Louis for Christmas, to our daughter Valerie and her family's home. Ron brought his three children up from Chattanooga, TN. We had a wonderful time, Bob did very well, and we will have memories to cherish. Thanks to the Strickers for hosting everyone, and also for Tad's mother Karon Scott (who lives across the street) for providing some of the beds! During that time we were at the highest point of the roller coaster named Alzheimer's.
When we got home, as is so often the case, the roller coaster took the deepest plunge down the track.
Before we went to St. Louis I could still go to lunch with friends, get groceries, run errands, and leave Bob in the house alone and he was always fine when I got back. But it went from that status to where I wasn't able to let him out of my sight. He would open the front door and go out "just to see what is out there." One night we were invited to some friend's home for dinner. We had been sitting on the couch together. I told him we were going over to Gail and Harry's for dinner, but I had to go upstairs and comb my hair. When I got back 10 minutes later he was gone. The light to the basement was on, so I ran down there, and here he was, sitting on the rowing machine. It has been months since he has been in the basement and even more months since he has been on the rowing machine! I had been struggling to get him UP stairs, and here he went DOWN all by himself!
From the very onset of the disease, even before he would admit he had it, he made me promise not to take him out in public if he would do something that normally would embarrass him. I think we are already past that point. And my criteria from the first has been that when I could no longer get outside the house, that would be a sign that I needed to do something. I had gone to a support group a couple of years ago at a facility, but stopped as it was mainly for resident's families. But one question I asked before I quit going was "How do you know it is time for placement?" Everyone's answer immediately was, "Oh, you will know!" So I had been praying for a sign, but all of a sudden signs started popping up all over the place. It came down to basic safety issues. He was GOING to fall down the stairs, it was just a matter of WHEN.
I am so glad I had done due diligence and had been looking at many places. So I called one that had really impressed me. I prayed that if this was the right facility that things would just fall into place. And another sign was that they had called me out of the blue and asked if there was anything they could do to help me get through the holidays. I told them we were going out of town, but to call back after the first of the year. Well, it ended up that I called them before the first of the year. And everything went amazing smooth. It is called The Piper, and I had only heard good things about it, and had toured it twice and went to a seminar there once. For those of you that live locally, it is out near the Legends, and will be open 2 years this coming June. It is 2 floors of assisted living and one floor of dementia care. Another consideration was that they are almost full, and I didn't want to be on a waiting list, as is the case with a lot of other area facilities. One thing I was concerned about was the drive. It is 8.2 miles from our house, but it only takes about 12 minutes as it is mostly interstate.
So today was admission day. Yesterday after the director called and said they had the needed doctor's
order and I knew it would happen for sure, we had lunch and then I put Bob in the recliner (which he normally can't get out of by himself) for his afternoon nap. I was upstairs packing his things, pausing every once in awhile to wipe my eyes, as water kept running out of them. All of a sudden, I heard this clicking noise and I about jumped out of my skin. I whirled around and there was Bob, on his hands and knees (as he had crawled up the stairs) and he was clicking his tongue at me to get my attention. He was grinning like a Cheshire cat! He has been clicking his tongue at me for quite awhile, and I find it sweet, and much less annoying than patients who would snap their fingers at me!
In my November post I said that there were a lot of "firsts" in my life when I took a trip to Tennessee. The first time to stay in a hotel alone. The first time to eat at a restaurant alone. Now there were many "lasts". Last night was our last night to sleep together. This morning was our last time to have breakfast in our home together (I fixed his favorite breakfast!) We left about 10:30 this morning after I got the car all packed. I am so thankful my dear friend Arlene Magruder went with me. She was able to stay with Bob while I filled out tons of paperwork. But again, I was so impressed with how thorough they were, and seemed genuinely committed to be able to do their best to care for Bob. Everyone was so friendly and made us all feel at ease. The facility has high ceilings, and a sunroom, so natural light streams in, and it has a calming effect. On me at least! Arlene and I then left and ate at Olive Garden. I of course got my ultimate comfort food--spaghetti. Valerie and family are coming tomorrow as well, and that will help keep me busy!
I am now home alone, and am really tired since Bob got up at 3am this morning. So I will leave you with this quote. It is by Mara Botonis in "When caring takes courage". And thank you to Amy Moore (who just lost her mother to Alzheimer's) for sharing it. The message is for me tonight.
"Alzheimer's may have changed the LOVE that you share, but it can't ever, will never, have the power to completely erase it."
Thank you all for the support and love you all have given me.
Betty
When we got home, as is so often the case, the roller coaster took the deepest plunge down the track.
Before we went to St. Louis I could still go to lunch with friends, get groceries, run errands, and leave Bob in the house alone and he was always fine when I got back. But it went from that status to where I wasn't able to let him out of my sight. He would open the front door and go out "just to see what is out there." One night we were invited to some friend's home for dinner. We had been sitting on the couch together. I told him we were going over to Gail and Harry's for dinner, but I had to go upstairs and comb my hair. When I got back 10 minutes later he was gone. The light to the basement was on, so I ran down there, and here he was, sitting on the rowing machine. It has been months since he has been in the basement and even more months since he has been on the rowing machine! I had been struggling to get him UP stairs, and here he went DOWN all by himself!
From the very onset of the disease, even before he would admit he had it, he made me promise not to take him out in public if he would do something that normally would embarrass him. I think we are already past that point. And my criteria from the first has been that when I could no longer get outside the house, that would be a sign that I needed to do something. I had gone to a support group a couple of years ago at a facility, but stopped as it was mainly for resident's families. But one question I asked before I quit going was "How do you know it is time for placement?" Everyone's answer immediately was, "Oh, you will know!" So I had been praying for a sign, but all of a sudden signs started popping up all over the place. It came down to basic safety issues. He was GOING to fall down the stairs, it was just a matter of WHEN.
I am so glad I had done due diligence and had been looking at many places. So I called one that had really impressed me. I prayed that if this was the right facility that things would just fall into place. And another sign was that they had called me out of the blue and asked if there was anything they could do to help me get through the holidays. I told them we were going out of town, but to call back after the first of the year. Well, it ended up that I called them before the first of the year. And everything went amazing smooth. It is called The Piper, and I had only heard good things about it, and had toured it twice and went to a seminar there once. For those of you that live locally, it is out near the Legends, and will be open 2 years this coming June. It is 2 floors of assisted living and one floor of dementia care. Another consideration was that they are almost full, and I didn't want to be on a waiting list, as is the case with a lot of other area facilities. One thing I was concerned about was the drive. It is 8.2 miles from our house, but it only takes about 12 minutes as it is mostly interstate.
So today was admission day. Yesterday after the director called and said they had the needed doctor's
order and I knew it would happen for sure, we had lunch and then I put Bob in the recliner (which he normally can't get out of by himself) for his afternoon nap. I was upstairs packing his things, pausing every once in awhile to wipe my eyes, as water kept running out of them. All of a sudden, I heard this clicking noise and I about jumped out of my skin. I whirled around and there was Bob, on his hands and knees (as he had crawled up the stairs) and he was clicking his tongue at me to get my attention. He was grinning like a Cheshire cat! He has been clicking his tongue at me for quite awhile, and I find it sweet, and much less annoying than patients who would snap their fingers at me!
In my November post I said that there were a lot of "firsts" in my life when I took a trip to Tennessee. The first time to stay in a hotel alone. The first time to eat at a restaurant alone. Now there were many "lasts". Last night was our last night to sleep together. This morning was our last time to have breakfast in our home together (I fixed his favorite breakfast!) We left about 10:30 this morning after I got the car all packed. I am so thankful my dear friend Arlene Magruder went with me. She was able to stay with Bob while I filled out tons of paperwork. But again, I was so impressed with how thorough they were, and seemed genuinely committed to be able to do their best to care for Bob. Everyone was so friendly and made us all feel at ease. The facility has high ceilings, and a sunroom, so natural light streams in, and it has a calming effect. On me at least! Arlene and I then left and ate at Olive Garden. I of course got my ultimate comfort food--spaghetti. Valerie and family are coming tomorrow as well, and that will help keep me busy!
I am now home alone, and am really tired since Bob got up at 3am this morning. So I will leave you with this quote. It is by Mara Botonis in "When caring takes courage". And thank you to Amy Moore (who just lost her mother to Alzheimer's) for sharing it. The message is for me tonight.
"Alzheimer's may have changed the LOVE that you share, but it can't ever, will never, have the power to completely erase it."
Thank you all for the support and love you all have given me.
Betty
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