This will probably be my last blog entry in this "Journey through Alzheimer's".  I started the blog in September of 2015.  It has been a long journey.  He was officially diagnosed in 2009, and I saw worrisome signs as early as 2000.  But it always happened when we were on a trip to the other side of the world, so I kept passing it off as jet lag.  

I wrote the last entry August 19 to let everyone know of Bob's passing.  Our 59th anniversary was coming up on September 1.  I invited Bob's long time secretary, Judie Royer, out to eat that evening so we could celebrate his life together and it was perfect.  Soon after that on September 9 was the date that would have been his 82nd birthday.  As luck would have it, that was the day of the support group meeting.  Traditionally, after your loved one passes, you come to the next support group and say good-bye to everyone.  So I got to say good-bye plus there were many new first time people there that day.  And I baked cookies in Bob's honor.  I knew he would approve!

I have been invited to join several grief groups, and typically that is where someone goes to help make the transition.  But at this time, I don't feel like I will need to do that.  I did my grieving 6 and 1//2 years ago when I admitted him to the first facility.  To come home that day and then not be able to cuddle up to him that night was heartbreaking.  But I am a woman, so I am entitled to change my mind, right?

The service was all I could have hoped for and more.  Daughter Valerie helped me plan it, and helped with all the details such as printing the program and creating the video.  As a fundraiser par excellence and experienced with planning all the events associated with that, she was invaluable help.  Though it poured down rain the day before, the day of the service was beautiful.  Our son-in-law, Tad Stricker was the moderator, and he did a wonderful job.  Several people thought he was the "reverend"!  Bob had always said he was going to have the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing at his service but we couldn't quite pull that off.  So we found the song "Shenandoah" that they sang, accompanied by beautiful pictures.  Shenandoah National Park is where we started dating, and where our family returned to many times over the the years to camp, hike and enjoy its beauty.  When cleaning out Bob's desk several years ago, I had found a cassette tape of him preaching a sermon called "Crossing the Jordan".  I had a clip of it transferred to a CD.  It was played at the service and was so appropriate as "Crossing the Jordan" is a metaphor to crossing over into the heavenly realm.  A dear friend sang the song "I Won't Have to Cross Jordan Alone", and that was the only part of the service that brought me to tears.  When Pastor B.T. Rice, a long-time friend of the family got up to give the homily, he shared that everything he was going to talk about had already been touched on.  So he just gave a couple of interactions he had with Bob and then had everyone stand and give Bob an ovation.  I asked him after the service how he came up with something so perfect, and he said "The Spirit moved me."  To end the service the congregation sang Bob's favorite song "Battle Hymn of the Republic" complete with trumpet and piano accompaniment.  There was a cookie reception in the chapel after the service, prepared by the church ladies.  Bob would heartily approve!  

All the grandchildren got to come which was a miracle in itself, given all their differing school schedules!  They handed out packets of M&M candy with "always in our heart" stickers on them.  Bob would heartily approve!  Our son Ron's friends and their families came from both coasts and in between, and I was so touched that they took the time and expense to come.  My brother and his wife and their son came and since we hadn't seen each other for 6 years, we had a lot of catching up to do!  They stayed for a couple of days and we had a lovely time.  But a day later their home in Florida was in shambles with water over the hoods of the 2 cars in the garage.  Power is still not on there, so they have not had a chance to go survey all the damage yet.  

The week before the service, on a Saturday night, a friend and I started my first volunteer job.  It is with an area mega Methodist church, Church of the Resurrection, and the opportunities for service with them are amazing.  Our job was with what is called "Matthew's Ministry" and it is for people with special needs.  The night was their talent show, and wow was there energy in that room!  We were each paired with a special needs individual and had dinner with them and stayed with them for the whole evening.  What amazed me were all the high school students from Blue Valley High School that were also volunteering there that evening.  We do it one Saturday night a month.  Bob had special needs as a child, so I know he would be so proud of me and heartily approve!  

I had Bob's ashes divided into 6 containers.  Two of them I plan to take back to Maryland, probably next Spring or Summer.  One will be buried in a plot that I am going to purchase in a cemetery in Church Creek, Maryland which is right next to Woolford, Maryland.  There are many Woolford (Bob's relatives) graves there, some dating to the 1600s.  The Old Trinity Church on the property was built in 1675 and is still in use.  The ashes from the other container will be scattered from the pier that juts out into Church Creek River which is a tributary of the Little Choptank River.  The plots each hold 4 containers of ashes, so some of my ashes, and Ron's ashes can be buried there as well.  

I would like to thank all of you that sent cards and did other things such as phone calls to support me.  I am saving the cards and will go over them many times as I reread their messages.  I have 3 short get-away trips planned for the coming month with friends.  October with all its splendor and crisp fresh temperatures is my favorite month, and I will cherish the time to just enjoy it.  

And so this journey comes to an end.  But it is not the end, just a new beginning.  I leave you with these words:

You left us beautiful memories, Your love is still our guide                                                                           Although we cannot see you, You're always at our side.

Love to you all                                                                                                                                               Betty

 The last week has been interesting caring for Bob.  I have been rubbing his back and head as I know he has always loved that.  The other day he was practically purring and he very plainly said "Other side"!  Always when I had rubbed his back I had told him not to give orders, but I guess he didn't want my advice.  And I tried to position the abductor pillow between his knees to keep his legs apart, but the next time I looked, his legs would be contracted again.  I had to smile, remembering when his grandma said she would put the braces on his legs as the doctor instructed before he went to bed.  Bob hated them so bad, he would take them off and put them beside his legs so it would look like they were still on.  The heavy bleeding in the urine continued; but I guess he was making those little red blood cells as fast as he was losing them.  Some friends came to visit last Saturday, and I was hoping he would wake up well and play fist bumps with Harry as usual, but he just opened his eyes, smiled, and went back to sleep.  Sunday I was worried that he had been sleeping so much so I went back to see him before I played pickle ball.  I walked in the room to find him bright eyed but with a very angry look on his face.  He was shaking his fists and yelling at the TV.  I looked to see what in the heck was on, and it was a Las Vegas pawn shop show!  I have no idea what was upsetting him so, but he stayed awake and alert and ate a good dinner.  Tuesday he was back to his sleepy self again, but he held my hand tightly.  Wednesday our daughter Valerie and her family stopped by on their way to take their son Jaden to college in Lincoln, Nebraska.  Again we had trouble waking him up, but by dancing around and singing, we got him to open his eyes, and we snapped a very nice picture with Jaden. I can just hear him saying "Those kooks!  Shut them up and turn them off!"

Thursday morning I was sleeping soundly and my cell phone rang at 6am.  When I saw the name "Hillside Village" pop up I thought "Oh, no."  Indeed it was the nurse calling with bad news.  They had gone in to turn him and found him gone.  She said there was evidence that there had been seizure activity, as blood and mucous were coming out of his mouth.  He has had seizures, some of them severe, but this time was evidently so severe that it took him.  It was truly a surprise, as I knew it was coming, but had imagined all sorts of scenarios, and in all of them he would have lingered probably in a coma for days.  So this was such a blessing for both of us that it happened quickly.  He would have been unaware of what was happening after the seizure started, so he didn't suffer.  

 I had been praying that God would take Bob.  To see someone that you love in that condition is heartbreaking.  And God's timing was more than I could have asked for.  A dear friend whose husband was in the first facility with Bob was free to go out to Hillside to pick up his belongings.  I got to say good-bye in person to the staff on the day shift that had cared for Bob so tenderly.  Then I went to pick up the other two dear friends who had encouraged me long ago to write this blog, so I was able to tell them in person.  We went to the retired nurses lunch that is held monthly and I was able to tell them all in person and get all the love and hugs from them.  This afternoon (Friday) was the scheduled lunch for the support group members who have formed their own lunch bunch after their spouses passed away.  This group has become like family, and they had invited me long ago to join, even though Bob was still alive.  We had been through so much together.  But now I am an official member of that group!  And they all shared in the relief that I feel.

My experience with the funeral home was also very heartwarming.  The Amos Family Funeral Home has been a fixture in Shawnee for several generations.  And Bob and Gene, who is passed away, knew each other well and served on several service organizations together.  We had prepaid funeral arrangements so it went very smoothly.  They asked if I wanted to see Bob, but totally understood when I declined.  We are working on a date for the memorial service.  I would like to have it on his birthday weekend, September 10, but I don't think we can get it together that soon.  So it will likely be the end of September or first of October, so out of town relatives can make arrangements.  

I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support as people have found out.  I am so blessed with so many friends and family.  What would I do without them all?  I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for your thoughts and prayers as I go forward without my beloved Bob.  I am sad, but rejoice in the hope that we will be together again.  What a life we had together in the time that was allotted to us!  What would have been our 59th anniversary is coming up September 1.  I will celebrate it with joy, reveling in the memories of our many anniversaries together in all parts of the world!  I still have the card made from seedpods that was given to us in Africa, and they baked our cake over the campfire while lions roared in the distance!  

Please hold your loved ones a little closer tonight.  The journey of Alzheimer's is like no other.  It makes you realize there is no time to waste.  Each moment is precious, a treasure in its own way.  Alzheimer's taught me that all any of us really have is today.

We all knew how this blog would end, and what the last chapter would be.  I will probably write another one or two to let you know how the service was, and how I am doing.  I have been encouraged by several people to have it published as a book.  I will have to think about that a little bit longer.  

I can't end in any better way than to share the words of the song made popular by Kenny Rogers--except that with 6 wives he might not be the best role model!  Bob and I heard him sing it in concert in Branson, Missouri.  I loved the song then, but didn't know at the time it would become so poignant.  

"I wanted you for life, you and me in the wind  I never thought there'd come a time that our story would end.  Its hard to understand but I guess I'll have to try, Its not easy to say goodbye

For all the joy we share, all the time we had to spend, Now if I had one wish, I'd want forever back again.  To look into your eyes and hold you when you cry, It's not easy to say goodbye."

Good bye and goodnight my love.  I'll see you in the morning.

Betty

 

 I just posted a picture on Facebook of Bob relaxing (and sleeping) in the yard and garden outside Hillside.  So while he naps, I will write this month’s blog.  It is so pleasant outside with temps in the 80s as opposed to the upper 90s and 100s we had recently.  

The grandkids Nate and Libby (ages 13 and 20) were here for 10 days.  We had a great time seeing all the things they wanted to catch up on.  We went to the swimming pools frequently and Nate spent a day with his Dad at the tennis club with the temp in the low 100s.  But he played all day.  We went to see Pop Pop three times.  The first time he really brightened up when they came in the door and there seemed to be a flicker of recognition.  Libby did a great job feeding him.  When we left he very distinctly waved to them which he has NEVER done before.  The next times he was not as responsive.

He is still actively bleeding a lot in the urine.  We had a care plan meeting recently as is scheduled every 3 months.  There is a nurse and a social worker present.  I asked the nurse since my nursing background is not long term care (thank goodness) if this sometimes goes on this long with something like this going on.  She said NEVER!  So Bob continues to hang in there and amaze us.  Physical therapy has been working with him as his legs are contracting and they say it hurts him when they put his pants on as it stretches his legs.  So he has an abductor pillow now all the time between his knees.  Also PT is teaching some of the CNAs to do exercises so when the insurance for the PT runs out they can still exercise his legs.

I still go to see him 3 times a week and schedule it around the pickle ball times at the DeSoto Community Center so I can kill two birds with one stone.  It is a very friendly group that plays with the only objective being to hit a ball and have fun.  When I was working at the hospital and playing racquetball all the time, my boss asked whose face I saw in the ball when I really would give it a whack.  I just laughed at the time, but now I think when I hit the pickle ball with all my might, I see the devil’s face in it.  Who else would make this happen to my sweet Bob?

A lot of times I catch Bob looking at a picture on the wall.  It is a picture of the two of us taken at our niece’s wedding taken about 25 years ago.  We are both smiling broadly, so sometimes he smiles.  What is he thinking? Does he know that is us in the picture.  I tell him it is, but I don’t think he understands.  I hope he just knows they are nice people!

And so life goes on.  I just know there is a better one coming.  

Betty

 I have wanted to write this post for a long time but I have been too chicken.  But many people have said that God must have a purpose in keeping Bob alive.  Maybe the purpose is so I will write on this subject?! Now that I have your attention, let me update you on Bob's condition first.  He is down to 126 pounds, but he seemed to be choking some, so my favorite nurse suggested that they puree his food.  He seems to be eating a bit better since then, but I am still allowed to give him Teddy Grahams, which he seems to like now. There is still a lot of blood in his urine, and now he is passing blood clots.  But to look at him, you wouldn't know anything is wrong, and he still has a very firm grasp on my hand.  On Father's Day when our son Ron was there, he even batted a balloon a little.  

Now for the juicy part.  When I went on the trip to Maryland, I was able to stop by the church where we got married.  Looking at it made me remember all over again why I married Bob.  In addition to his regular job, he was caretaker of the church, both inside and out.  He kept flowers planted in the summer.  It is the church where, with my father officiating we said our vows: "For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, so long as we both shall live."  I posted the picture on Facebook, and there were 84 reactions to it.  Some comments also mentioned that they too had been married in that church.  And one comment I laughed at said that it was on the porch of that church where she first saw women with no seam up the back of their nylons!  Such scandal!  What would old people think of the bare legs today?!  But seeing the church sparked other memories for me.  After church, after everyone was gone, Bob would lock up the church.  A friend of his had a convertible and 6 of us would pile into it.  Bob and I always sat in the front seat, as it was a bench seat!  We would go to the Hot Shoppes on Edmondson Avenue, and Bob would buy everyone lunch.  I will send this blog to Sid, another occupant of the car!  After lunch, they would drive Bob and I back to the church, and go on their way.  The church wasn't air conditioned, but Bob had carefully turned on the window air conditioner in the pastors study before we left so it was nice and cool.  We spent the afternoon there.  Maybe the windows steamed up, I don't know.  We had decided not to have premarital sex, so we left our clothes on.  And that is all I am going to say about that.  A year later after our wedding and the reception in the annex, we were out on that same porch when the old German man that was going to take Bob's place came up to him and asked if Bob was going to stay and clean up the church.  Um, NO!  We were anxious to go get a room!  We headed toward the destination of our first job in Hinsdale, Illinois pulling a small U-Haul with all our earthly possessions.  We stopped at the first motel we saw on the Pennsylvania turnpike, and fortunately it was a nice one.  One of the church ladies that had taken Bob under her wing and was like a surrogate mother to him had told him since I would have a filmy negligee (I did) that he should have a nightshirt, which he dutifully put on.  A few days after we got to our new apartment a package came in the mail.  It was the nightshirt that we had left at the motel and we hadn't even missed it!  He never wore it again.  And that is all I'm going to say about that.  

Now to the real subject of this post.  The Creator made male and female and it is normal to long for the the companionship of the opposite sex.  But as it does with everything, Alzheimer's turns everything upside down.  I think of a book I read early in our journey into Alzheimer's.  The title is "Jan's Story", and the author is her husband, Barry Petersen.  Some of you may remember him as a correspondent for CBS news.  Jan was a vibrant, active, and healthy lady who was also a correspondent for CBS news.  They traveled extensively together.  Then Barry started seeing changes in Jan, and thought, just like I did with Bob, that it was only jet lag.  Then came the diagnosis, and Jan was only 55.  Since it was early onset, it progressed rapidly.  Long story short, Barry met another lady, and they became a couple.  Jan was in a facility by that time, but Barry still watched over her lovingly and they became a three-some.  At the time, I remember thinking "How could he do that?" But as the years have passed, and the long good-bye of Alzheimer's drags on, I have learned not to judge anyone.  I belong to 2 support groups.  One is for the widowers and widows; have I mentioned how much I hate that word?  It reminds me of a spider.  I am so glad that they invited me to join their group as we went through so much together.  Several of their spouses died during Covid.  I have seen how different people handle the need for companionship.  Sometimes as soon as the spouse dies, some will get on Match.com.  Others will wait awhile.  And some people I know have gotten happily remarried.  The consensus in that group seems to be that most would like to have a friend to go to dinner with, but not get married again, and I think I fall in that category.  I know Bob was always faithful to me even though he traveled a lot and I have always been faithful to him. But I am going to go see the Elvis movie tomorrow.  Now if Elvis wanted to make passionate love to me (HA, HA) could I resist the wiles of the devil?!  Oh wait!  He would be 80 plus years old, and not such a pretty picture anymore!  The point I am trying to get across is, don't condemn someone until you have walked in their moccasins. 

I terribly miss the Bob that was Bob.  We always held hands wherever we went.  Except church, when we were going in opposite directions to our various duties, arms weighed down with "stuff".  Now when I see a couple walking along holding hands, I almost get misty-eyed.  We had "to have and to hold" for many years, and I am so blessed by that.  I cherish the memories, and if you still have your beloved, please give them an extra kiss tonight.

Betty

 I am in a "devil-may-care" mood today.  Some of you have said you appreciate me being transparent.  So hang on to your hats, here we go!

When I wrote the last blog, Bob had had a urinary tract infection that continued even after a round of antibiotics.  I had a trip coming up that I planned in January, and I agonized over taking the trip, even up to the day before.  I was afraid he would get septic and pass while I was gone.  But the nurse at Hillside told me to go and they would take good care of Bob, and I knew they would.  And I decided that he would want me to go, so I did.  I planned to see his relatives, that were starting to deal with the problems that come with aging.  Some of you know about those, don't you?! We had a cookout the Sunday before Memorial Day.  We needed Bob there to tell his stories.  Usually Bob was the life of the party, and as he didn't drink, he had to carry the party until the others got drunk enough to start talking!  Fortunately we have some of those stories recorded for posterity, first on VHS, and then I had them transferred to a DVD.  I could tell you some of those stories, but I draw the curtain here.  But they were all true...And I got to go to the Eastern Shore of Maryland which is much different from mainland Maryland.  Bob's family all came from there and the town of Woolford is where his ancestors came from.  I got to go to the Old Trinity Church, built in 1675.  It is the oldest church in the USA that is still in use.  The graveyard surrounding the church has many headstones with the name "Woolford", some from the 1600s and some illegible.  When Bob passes, I will take some of his ashes and scatter in the peaceful river that runs right by the church.  I also was able to take more time on this trip and see things I had never seen before, such as Aunt Kate's house, and another Woolford cemetery that we happened on accidentally.  We also visited a Victorian house where I lived as a teenager in Chestertown.  It is a historic, quaint old town, that has many beautiful homes built in the 1700s.  It also has a college there that was started in the 1700s, Washington College.  All the houses there have been kept up, including the one I lived in 63 years ago.  Unfortunately I didn't appreciate it like I should have, as the house didn't have air conditioning.

And I got to see my forever friend Marian, who lives in Hagerstown.  We have been friends since I walked into a new school on my 16th birthday, having moved from beautiful Coeur d'Alene (heart of the mountains) Idaho to Baltimore.  Of course I was shy and afraid, but she immediately came up to me and from that moment on we "clicked"!  We have kept in touch through the years and have seen each other a lot.  I miss all the historical things to do in Maryland.  I got to see Antietam (Civil War battlefield and an old favorite), Annapolis (the Capitol of Maryland and oozing with history), Flight 93 memorial in Pennsylvania (a new site for me, and totally worth seeing).  

I flew home at midnight Wednesday, and went to see Bob Friday and for several hours today.  He is the same as when I left, but there is still a lot of blood in his urine.  Of course I worked in a hospital, and all the UTIs that came in untreated had turned to sepsis.  So something else must be going on.  But as I said last month,  I am not going to put him through going to the hospital and through a battery of tests to see what it is.  I just wonder how long he can go on loosing this much blood.  He is like the energizer bunny--he just keeps on going!  And he still doesn't seem to be in pain.  If he is in pain, he would let people know it.  When I try to cut his fingernails (a podiatrist does his toenails) and I get to close to the "quick" he lets me know with a vehement OUCH!

Okay, here comes the shockers, and you can agree or disagree!  I have come to the conclusion that to he** with the healthy eating and exercising.  In the end it doesn't pay as you can't die.  As I have said before, Bob belonged to an online rowing club and he used the rowing machine 2 hours a day.  Why torture yourself??  He fell off the "wagon of healthy eating" once when he discovered Ben and Jerry's ice cream in Vermont.  He even had it shipped to Kansas on dry ice before it was carried in stores here.  Then he decided that it was counterproductive to his exercising and he gave it up.  Look!  He could have enjoyed it all these years!  In the end, SOMETHING is going to get you.  I saw all this tongue in cheek, as I am playing pickleball twice a week and do yoga to try to stay healthy.  So saying,  I have succumbed to the wiles of coffee flavored Haagen Dazs and I am going to enjoy it!

The other thing people don't like to mention is the financial aspect.  But I have seen people in the support wrestle with it, spend down so they could get on Medicaid, and go bankrupt.  BTW, in Kansas, the wife's 401K is protected in that spend down, but just a few miles away in Missouri it is not.  Not fair!  Some of the members have moved to Kansas to get around that.  And forget putting it in your children's names.  There is a 6 year look back for people that try that.  We have a wonderful stock broker and financial advisor, but I know how Bob felt in the 2008 downturn.  The cost per month where he is is between $7300 and $7500 a month, depending on how many days are in the month.  And that is because the facility is rural.  In the closer suburbs it is much higher, with generally much less care.  If Bob knew those facts, he would have a heart attack or if there was a plug to pull, he would pull it.  And the downturn in our portfolio last month was enough to give me a heart attack.  Along with the price of gas to go see him 3 times a week.  But that is important to me, and I will keep it up.  

Well, today started out bright and sunny, but now it is grey and overcast with another chance of rain, which is fine because the yard sprinkler system is broken and they are waiting for parts.  At least maybe this has brightened your day!  Again, tongue in cheek!

Betty

 It has been said that "true love travels on a gravel road."  I can hear Elvis singing it now.  But since my last blog the road on this Alzheimer's journey has not been gravel, it has been rocky.  And not the delicious rocky road ice cream with all the little marshmallows!  

Yesterday when I visited Bob, he had had a grandmal seizure again, and was totally nonresponsive.  He hasn't had one in quite awhile.  But today I just came from feeding him lunch (not much success).  True to his usual form, he was much more alert after the seizure, and it usually remains that way for several days.  But the bigger problem is blood in his urine.  They got a urine specimen, with culture and sensitivity to see what antibiotics would help.  The results were that he had a big infection.  This is the third one he has had, which is amazing as he has been incontinent for a long time.  Antibiotics worked before, so I okayed a round of them to be given orally.  That has been my criteria before, as when an IV is started, it is sometimes the beginning of a slippery slope of going beyond measures that you want to do.  I remember when we filled out our advance directives (living wills), I put a big question mark where it said "would you want to be given antibiotics" and so he followed suit.  But now the round of antibiotics is over, and after a few days of clear urine there is blood in the urine again, and quite a lot of it.  I have been agonizing over whether to okay the start of another round of antibiotics and I have decided not to.  One of the big reasons is I know that Bob would not want to continue living like this.  I wish the decision would be made easier by him not being able to swallow, but he is still drinking well.  I have been taking big glasses of grapefruit juice (his favorite) and cranberry juice for him to drink.  Hillside Village has offered to call hospice, but I am so comfortable with their care, that I have opted not to.  He was on hospice for 3 years and they are wonderful. Under their guidelines, he would not be given antibiotics, and so now I will choose to let those help me. 

Another thing that makes me comfortable with my decision (and I know I alone have to be comfortable with it), is that Bob doesn't seem to be in any pain.  There may be something going on besides the infection, but I don't want him put through a battery of tests to find it.  A urinary tract infection is usually painful enough in its own right!  I have done an informal survey of others in my support group, other friends, hospice nurse friends, and they all say that they have never seen someone with Alzheimer's in pain.  Maybe the part of the brain that senses pain is numbed by Alzheimer's?  If so, that is the only good part of Alzheimer's I have found. 

So I end this month's blog by saying I have placed Bob in God's hands.  I have been praying for God to direct this path, so I must take one day and one step at a time.  Please keep us in your prayers.

Betty 

 I recently read a book "In Love"written by Amy Bloom and it inspired this blog.  The book was riveting to me and I read it in about 3 hours.  I couldn't put it down!  She married Brian Ameche, who had played football at Yale and then became a architect of renown. Their marriage was the second marriage for each of them and they were deeply in love.  They had been married for 14 years when they both started noticing subtle changes in Brian's personality and thought process.  After the devastating diagnosis of Alzheimer's, Brian immediately said he wanted to die on his feet, not kneeling down, and he was going to find a way to do it.  But then he told Amy he was putting her in charge of that, because he trusted her judgment so much.  And because she was a writer, he wanted her to write about it.  At first she told him she would do neither.  But he was so determined and so persistent, that she started researching ways for assisted suicide.  First she found that the 9 states in the United States that allow it have such stringent guidelines, such as being a resident of that state, that it made it next to impossible.  She researched other options such as drowning, but none of them seemed satisfactory, and she would have to be careful not to assist so she wouldn't be prosecuted as an accomplice.  In the end, she found Dignitas, a non profit organization in Zurich, Switzerland that would also help people from other countries, and that had already done over 1000 assisted suicides.  There were stringent guidelines, referrals, and paperwork to be completed that was daunting, along with the travel to Zurich and the $10,000 fee.  But they jumped through all the hoops, and the story of them saying good-bye to family (they told them what they were going to do), the trip there, and the days they spent together there are heart wrenching.  But then the day came, and Brian, still fully aware of what he was doing, drank the Sodium Pentobarbital concoction and died in her arms.  It makes me think of Jack Kevorkian, a pathologist in Michigan in the 1990s who helped at least 130 people commit assisted suicide, though probably from incurable diseases such as cancer.

The book stirred many emotions for me.  I am sure Bob knew what was happening long before he would admit it.  After he retired, I would come home and he would tell me who he talked to on the phone that day.  I was amazed at how he could track many of them down, with all the phone numbers.  Was he calling them to say good-bye?  And many people have told me in later years that he called them too, and just chatted for an hour (or two!)  And is his not eating now somehow in the back of his mind like an assisted suicide?  I can't really believe that he is able to reason that much, but who knows?  He is losing 2-3 pounds a month and is down to 128 pounds.  My mother, when she had to go to a nursing home decided she didn't want to live any more.  So she stopped eating.  But that didn't last long.  Maybe because the doctor asked me if I wanted a feeding tube placed.  I told him, "Ask her, she is totally with it!"  When he asked, she told him most definitely not!  And then she started eating again...Two nurses separately told me that when I wasn't there she was the life of the party.  She was just making me feel guilty for putting her in a nursing home.  But by now, I think I have worked through the guilt of putting both her and Bob in a facility.  To have done otherwise would have been impossible.

 I remember Robin Williams, who suffered alone with depression for many years.  He died by his own hand by hanging, when he found out he had Lewy Body dementia.  How could someone who made so many people laugh come to such a tragic end?  Even King David of Biblical fame probably suffered from depression.  I heard it said that if he had been on medication, the Psalms would never have been written.  One day he was "Oh Lord how mighty thou art" and the next day he was saying "Oh God where are you?"  I said much earlier in one of my blogs that I take medication for depression.  And to those who say that I don't have faith and trust in God because I take medication, I would say "God helps those who help themselves, and shows them how to navigate this complex life." My sister, on a high cycle, declared herself cured of bipolar disease, stopped taking her medication for it, plunged into the depths of despair and committed suicide within days.  

So, in closing, I ask that you be kind to those you come in contact with.  So many friends right now are trying to navigate the care of their spouse or loved one with dementia and they are overwhelmed.  The Alzheimer's office that was such a great help to me in the beginning has been closed since COVID started, and the caregivers don't even know where to start.  But everyone is fighting a battle that you don't know about, so please, just be kind. 

Betty