Bob is now basically in a wheelchair.  It is another loss of independence, but everyone (including Bob) is happy about it.  I cannot determine if the loss of mobility is due to the fact that his brain is not telling his feet to move anymore, or if his legs are just too weak to hold him up.  The assistant and I were walking him back to his room a couple of weeks ago with his walker, and I didn't think we were going to make it to his room without lowering him to the floor.  I asked if she thought it was time for a wheelchair, and she said "Oh, yes, it would be so much easier."  I was able to get the one a friend Grandpa Mac had used before he passed away and took it out the next morning.  It is just a transport wheelchair, so it is small and portable, but it fits under the sink and the table, so it is wonderful for what they need it for.  He rides in it like a king in his chariot and now he is so much more co-operative with cares when he needs them when he doesn't have to walk all the way back to his room.  Could it be that he just went on strike?  Hmmm.
This post is going to be about the 3 kinds of grief nobody talks about.  It is brought home to me every time I go visit, as a friend from the support group visits his wife in the room across the hall from Bob.  She is on hospice as she suddenly took a turn for the worse.  I look every time to see if her name is still on the door.
1.  The first is the loss of the person we once knew.  They are still in your life, but not in the way you remember them or once knew them.  Dementia changes people.  The ties that bind us to one another, the shared memories, and even the personality are no longer accessible.  Other illness create a similar sense of loss--a traumatic brain injury or stroke, or a loved one who is drug or alcohol dependent.
2.  The loss of a person we haven't yet lost.  "Anticipatory grief" is a term that refers to the grief felt about someone with a life-limiting illness; friends, family and caregivers often experience it in anticipation of an eventual death.  These losses are significant.  We lose our assumptive world.  All our plans, thoughts, our sense of the future--even our safety and security--are now challenged.  The future we know is not the one we once imagined.  As any illness progresses, we continue to experience additional losses and grieve each one.
3.  Loss of the person we used to be.  Everything changes as you age.  Some changes you take in stride, but others affect you deeply.  Consider the birth of a child.  You may have anticipated this event for years and be overjoyed.  But you also know life will be different now; over the next couple of decades, your own freedom will be limited, and so will your sleep.  Each transition in our lives--no matter how positive--has an undercurrent.  The thrill of passing your driving test and earning your license held so much meaning, a mark both of accomplishment and maturity that promised new freedom and adventure.  Now, imagine the pain and grief when, through age or disability, you are forced to surrender than license and all it has meant.
Remember:  Grief is not always about death, but it is always about attachment and separation.  You need to have your grief acknowledged and understand the validity of your emotions.  You are not the only one to have mourned, and you are not alone.
The above are excerpts from "Grief is a Journey" by Kenneth J. Doka, PhD.
 So many of my friends have lost their loved ones to death recently, and are going through all the stages of grief that Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross identified.  I grieve along with them for their loss, and can identify as I am going through "anticipatory grief".
The following is authored by Claudia Minden Weisz.  Thank you to Yara Young for sharing it with me.
I asked God to give me happiness.  God said, NO.  I give you blessings, happiness is up to you.
I asked God to take away my habit.  God said, NO.  It is not for me to take away, but for you to give up.
I asked God to spare me pain.  God said, NO.  Suffering draws you apart from worldly care and brings you closer to Me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow.  God said, NO.  You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make your beautiful.
I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life.  God said NO.  I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.
I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.  God said...Ah, finally you have the idea.
The sing-alongs we are doing at The Piper are going well.  The residents and staff both ask me, and whoever is with me, to sing when we come.  Sometimes we haven't planned on it, but when it is such a bright spot in their lives, how can you deny them?  Bob usually sings lustily along, and the residents seem to get such pleasure from being able to read the lyrics Arlene Magruder printed out for them.  We went out on Easter Sunday not planning to sing, as we thought the residents would have company.  But NO ONE did, so we had a real song fest!  I know it gives us more than we could ever give them. (More people had company after the Royals game was over...)
I have found that I have always needed something to anticipate.  So rather than focus on "anticipatory grief" I am anticipating something else.  I am going to fulfill another wish on my bucket list and take a trip to Israel and Jordan in June.  It is lead by Andy Nash from Southern University, and I have heard so many good things about the trip that I am really excited.  Now if world leaders will just cooperate and keep things to a dull roar, that will be good.
May God give you the grace to face life's challenges, and may He give you LOVE.
Betty