I am back from my second trip to Israel, and it was a great trip.  This year it was a month earlier, so it wasn't so hot, which made it more enjoyable.  This one was a little more exciting, however.  We had toured right near the Golan heights, and our Israeli guide was telling how Israel is always on the alert for attack, as they are surrounded by unfriendly neighbors.  That evening we took a boat ride on the Sea of Galilee, had a wonderful dinner on the dock, and then went to bed.  I awoke sometime during the night to a loud boom, and jets screaming overheard.  I thought "Huh, I wonder what all that was," and then turned over and went back to sleep.  The next morning I woke to hear the news on my phone that some missiles had been fired from the Golan Heights, and the flashes could be seen from Tiberius, where we were staying.  Also there were notifications to me on my Facebook.  When the guide got on the bus he said, "Well, Israel's iron dome worked well again last night.."
This tour was with Precept Ministries, which I wasn't familiar with until the trip.  They do inductive Bible study and have study groups all over the US and all over the world.  Inductive Bible study is a way of investigating God's word that includes three major steps:  observation, interpretation, and application.  Kay Arthur, the co-founder of Precept Ministries, was on the trip and gave the daily Bible teaching.  She is 86 years old, but very spry, mentally and physically.  Her husband was the other co-founder, but he died a few years ago from Alzheimer's.  She was telling that she was to the point of not being able to care for him and was praying about what to do.  One evening she had a hard time getting him in bed, and she fell in bed exhausted beside him.  At 2am she awakened and put her hand on his chest, and discovered he wasn't breathing.  She checked for a pulse and there was none. She said to herself, "Oh, well there is nothing I can do about this now" and turned over and went back to sleep.  She is also a nurse, so maybe that explains THAT, but I am here to tell you this nurse would NOT have had that same reaction....
You may have noticed in my last blog that one option I didn't mention when making decisions was having the family member with Alzheimer's move in with the children.  I just couldn't think of anything wise to say last month about that, and I don't have anything wise to say this month either.  Sometimes there is no other option because of finances or other reasons.  But the days of the Waltons where all is sweetness and light when 2 families merge, is gone, even if there isn't the extra burden of Alzheimer's.  I have seen some cute little "granny pods" that you build in the back yard, so you are very close, but everyone has their own space.  At the risk of repeating information from previous blogs, I will give a few reminders I chose from the book "The 36 hour day" by Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins.  They were especially helpful to me when Bob was still at home.
1.  Try to solve your most frustrating problems one at a time.  Families tell us that the day-to-day problems often seem to be the most insurmountable.  Getting Mother to take her bath or getting supper prepared, eaten, and cleaned up can become daily ordeals.  If you are at the end of your rope, single out one thing that you can change to make life easier, and work on that.  Sometimes changing small things makes a big difference.
2.  Get enough rest.  One of the dilemmas families often face is that the caregiver may not get enough rest or may not have the opportunity to get away from his caregiving responsibilities.  This can make the caregiver less patient and less able to tolerate irritating behavioral symptoms.  If things are getting out of hand, ask yourself if this is happening to you.  If so, you may want to focus on finding ways to get more rest or more frequent breaks from your caregiving responsibilities.
3.  Maintain a sense of humor; it will get you through many crises.  Sharing your experiences with other families will help you.  Surprisingly, these groups of smilies often find their shared experiences funny as well as sad.
Let me add another commercial here!  Find a support group (call the Alzheimer's Association) and attend regularly.  I think I can speak for my support group that it is an invaluable tool.  We have become very close, and formed lasting friendships.  We all say we wish we could meet more than once a month!  But we also get together on our own now, and go out to lunch individually or in a group.
The bottom line is to take care of yourself.  Ask for help. You--the caregiver--are at an increased risk for depression and illness, especially if you don't receive support from family, friends, your church, and the community.  Your loved one will change, and your burdens will become more demanding.
The person you love isn't who he or she used to be.  The behavior can become increasingly difficult.  Remind yourself, "This is the way it is." That is easy to say, but when you are going through it, you wonder if you still love them, especially when they say hurtful things, that they never would have said before.  It may surprise you when I say this, but I am thankful that Bob and I have been given the time since he has been in the care facility.  He is back to his sweet self, and I have fallen in love with him all over again.
At the end of each day, say two things aloud to yourself:
1. "Today I did the best I was capable of doing." That doesn't mean you were perfect, but you did what you could.
2.  "All I can do is all I can do".  Repeat the words until they calm you and help you realize that you can't do everything you want.  You do only what you can.
And at the end of the day (or end of life) isn't that what life is all about?
Betty