I usually only post a new addition to my blog about every month.  But so many people have asking how he is doing and how I am doing,  that I decided to write it tonight.  Thank you all for your messages of love and support via Facebook and email.  They mean a lot to me.  He has been there for a week today.  In that week, I had had time to sort out my myriad of feelings and also get some needed rest.  I slept for 11 hours for a couple of nights.  I guess I was more tired than I would admit!
First of all, I am SAD.  No one could love Bob like I love him.  (Isn't there a song like that?!) And no one could care for Bob like I could care for him.  After all, I am a nurse, and I was giving him 1:1 care.  Where else can you get such good staffing ratios?!
Then there is RELIEF.  Relief that I was finally able to make the decision and be at peace with it.  When both the Executive Director of The Piper and the Director of Nurses came to our home to evaluate Bob, I was so impressed.  First of all, the DON had been a nursing assistant at SMMC.  She worked days, so I didn't know her, but her now- husband worked nights as an RN on telemetry and I knew him well, and loved him!  I am happy for them, and so proud of her!  There is so much I like about The Piper.  On weekends there is as much staff as on weekdays.  The mealtimes are flexible, and if the resident doesn't want to eat when it is served, the staff will serve them later.  If they don't like what is on the menu, they will fix them something different.  (They have a whole list of Bob's favorite foods that they asked me to provide).  They also allow pets.  I would say that this is mostly on the assisted living floors, but there have been some on the dementia units, and the staff will also care for them for an extra fee.
Then there is PEACE.  I may be wrong, but I don't think  I will feel the guilt that so many people voice in the support groups.  When they get rested up, they look back and think they could have gone on longer.  Bob is going to have physical therapy, and I think that will do him a world of good.  Maybe it will give him better balance and better strength so he won't fall, as he has fallen a couple of times since being there.  I was right by his side the last 3 days, or he would have fallen more at home.
When I have been out to see Bob, he seems very content.  He has never asked to come home with me, and that makes it easier.  When I tell him I am leaving, he always says "Please be careful."
Then I am discomBOBulated!  I can only compare this to when we have lost a beloved pet.  You look at their favorite chair, fully expecting to see them curled up in it.  Or you look behind you, fully expecting to see them following you.  I have thought I have heard him breathing softly in the bed beside me.  I am sure this will get better with time, although you miss them so.  But I think of all the women that I know, and those that I don't know, who live alone for whatever reason.  Even if you divorce and are happy to get the ******out, there must be a sense of loss.  I am having to get used to cooking for one.  I have never cooked for one before!  The more people I am cooking for, the happier I am!  But maybe it will help me lose a few unwanted pounds!  So I am having to get used to a new "normal".  But Erma Bombeck once said that "normal" is a setting on your washing machine!
I imagine that some people feel PITY for me.  I know I did years ago when someone we knew was in my situation (little knowing that it would be my journey someday).  But I am here to tell you there are worse things.  Just look at the ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) patients whose body is deteriorating before their very eyes, they are unable to breathe, and yet their mind is totally alert!  Or a mother or father, or grandmother or grandfather who has lost a child to death or heaven forbid, to abduction, and you don't know where they are, or if they are alright.  I would have to be hospitalized, and sedated if that were the case.
Our support group was today and it was very timely for many of us.  One lady whose husband's room was right across the hall from Bob's at The Piper died very suddenly and unexpectedly Wednesday.  She was at the group to say good-bye, as after you lose your loved one, they ask that you find a grief support group.  It brings the reality of the fragility of life very close to home.
I am hunkering down this weekend by the fireplace and read a good book.  There is supposed to be an ice storm, but I can relax knowing Bob is well cared for even if I can't traverse the roads to go out to see him.  But it still brings to mind the frantic times at the hospital when there was an ice storm and staff couldn't make it in.  One of my hats as the night supervisor was to provide staffing for the next shift, and it still gives me nightmares!
One last quote--author unknown.  "Faith is not about everything turning out OK.  Faith is about being okay no matter how things turn out."
Betty