This has been a busy month.  In spite of ominous storm warnings that came to nought, we are still marching forward to Spring--unlike many of our friends on the East coast that have had to deal with four Nor'easters!  Bob's brother Steve and nephew John came in from Baltimore dodging the storms and flight delays.  They stayed for a weekend, and it was so good to have them come.  I was anxious to see if Bob knew who Steve was, and by any chance would he call him by name?  Bob's face lit up like it does whenever anyone comes to see him, and he gave him a big smile.  But was there any flicker of recognition?  We couldn't see that, and he certainly didn't articulate anything.  It was hard for Steve to see Bob like he is now, as the last time he saw Bob, things were just starting to be noticeable.  For me, it has been such a gradual decline that it doesn't seem that different from what I see from day to day.  Steve and I watched a video that had been made of Bob's 50th birthday party with all the relatives in Maryland.  We laughed till we cried at some of the stories Bob was telling...

I recently went to a seminar at the Piper.  They are excellent and open to the public if you see them advertised on Facebook (I share the posts).  There is one this coming Tuesday at 10am and the topic is "Home sweet Home."  I hope my home sweet home for awhile is the home I am living in at present, but I am going to go, and learn from it.  It is good to have a few strategies in place, so you aren't blindsided when all of the sudden a crisis necessitates the move from your home under emergency conditions.  The last seminar I went to there Caroline Dawson from Agewise Advocacy and Consulting was the speaker.  Here are some of the pointers I took away from her excellent presentation about caring for the loved one with dementia.

Put anxiety behind you.  Take behavior out of the equation and look at it as an expression of need--physical or emotional.

Take a deep breath before you engage.  The filters are gone from your loved one, and they are experiencing sadness, anxiety and fear.  They have reason to be afraid.

What are they trying to tell me?  It is different from aggression, and they just need to feel like they have control.

Be open--get down to their level and extend your hand.  Sit in front of them in a chair and encourage them to engage with you before touching them.  Sit where they can see and hear you.

Do with what you have, not what you haven't got.  They are doing the best they can, and need to control their environment.

Greet before you treat.  Take a deep breath.  Make things on their terms.  Watch out for the "shoulds" and shouldn'ts.  (He should do this, he should do that)

A lot of times they are overwhelmed.  Reduce their stimulation.

Validation--"I see your tears.  Align with them with empathy.  It's OK to be sad.

Do more of what works and less of what doesn't.

Too many choices and options create stress.  It is unfair to them if they are incapacitated or decking in cognition to make them make a decision that is overwhelming to them.

I just wish all caregivers in the home and in care homes could have attended that seminar.  I know that some things are just flowery words and at some point however, the rubber meets the road.  I want to applaud all caregivers, as it takes so much patience, and burnout is so common.

I will close with this poem "I Understand"

How difficult it must be for you.
To watch me become less of the person you once knew
My body is here, but my mind is not.
The things we once shared, I may have forgot.
This will be our longest goodbye.
For the mind of the person you love is slowing and will die.
I will not act or behave like the person I once was.
But please remember, it's not something I have control of
I'm sorry for this burden I put on you.
There will be some rough days, with teary eyes and hearts of blue.
But let the love of so many years carry us the rest of the way
Because this is not forever and our souls will meet again one day.
---Joy Rembert

I am heading to Tennessee to see the grandkids for Spring break.  Three of them are teenagers, which should be another whole blog!

Happy Easter to you!
Betty