As promised, this will be a continuation from the talk given by Connie Michaelis, lifestyle consultant at The Piper. Hopefully, it will help you think about "what", "when", and "why".
The #1 threat to a person as they age is loneliness caused by being isolated. It threatens one's physical health as much as mental health, and is as detrimental to older people as smoking and high blood pressure. We need to hang out with people and be social, but too often children and grandchildren are too busy with their own lives. All through life, people plan for the future. They plan where they will go to school, they plan for their jobs, they plan for their families. So as one ages, it is also important to have a strategy for the future. After you retire is when you are just old enough to find purpose and a passion in life, and have time to do it (ha, ha!) But until you face your own mortality and the fact that you will someday die, you cannot live. Planning for the future and preparing for all circumstances can lead to a life of peace, happiness and satisfaction. You need to start early in making decisions. 86% of people will need help as they age, so it is important to get a plan--and then hope you die in your sleep and don't have to use it! But so saying, everything you do in life is a gamble. So at the same time, older people need to have a sense of autonomy, and their wishes and decisions need to be respected.
Retirement used to look much different from it does today. Social Security was born August 14, 1935. The monthly payment in 1963 was about $22. There were poor houses. There were mental institutions--(believe me, I worked at one during my psychiatric rotation in nursing school.) The nursing homes looked just like hospitals, giving the inference that the people living there were sick.
So let's talk about the different options available now. It is so important to think about this while you still have the option to choose, so you can have strategies (maybe several) in place, so you won't be unprepared or surprised.
The first I will talk about is remaining in your own home. Your home is your place of safety and security. It is the place where memories are made. As we talked about last time, we are surrounded by our "treasures". But when Bob and I moved into our present home 28 years ago (really?) we didn't even think about the stairs being a problem. It was nice to have all the bedrooms upstairs! But in the end, that was the factor that led to Bob having to move to a safer place. He WAS going to fall down the stairs. So how your home is set up isn't always conducive to having home health care come in to help in the home.
Becoming more and more popular, at least in this area, are the CCRCs--continuing care retirement communities. They are typically operated with a buy-in plan, though some are now offering monthly rent in their communities--to compete with other newer facilities, I imagine! The buy in plan covers your care from the time you move in independently, through assisted living, and nursing home care. Some also have dementia care and rehab. And now I think they are more apt to help you set up a plan that would leave assets to your heirs upon your death than they used to be. The ones I have toured typically want you to live in independent living for at least 2 years before you move to more care, so they will assess your mobility etc. before you move in. They are very social, with a lot of amenities and activities and have meal plans. You also pay a monthly fee to cover utilities, cleaning, food, etc. Be careful though! Some stay at the monthly rate you sign in with though out your life there, with only cost of living increases. Others, you start at one rate, and then the rate increases as your level of care increases. So there is a lot to think about. If you should put down a deposit while you are on a waiting list or while you are thinking about it, be sure to ask if the deposit is refundable.
Also hugely popular are the independent living facilities which may or may not have assisted living available that are month-to-month rent and there is no continuum of care. They usually have meal plans, but there is also a facility right down the street from me that is called Village Co-operative, that
does not. These facilities all have beautiful amenities, opportunities for socialization, and come in all different price ranges. (And NO housework, as they do the cleaning!) Also, home health agencies can come in these facilities and help with medical care for the short term, or even long term, I imagine. A thought about these facilities is that you can put a deposit down while you are on the waiting list, or just want to wait awhile until you make your final decision, and typically you would get the deposit (usually about $500) back if you decide you don't want to move in, or it would be applied to your first months rent if you do move in. So you could conceivably have deposits down in more than one place. This is an overwhelming thing to think about, but probably a year in advance of moving in is a good timeline to start thinking about it. As I have helped my friend tour these places, I am pleased to see that different agencies are working together, and are making helpful suggestions.
I am just so glad I found The Piper for Bob, after touring many others. It is a household model, and other facilities come to see it. Instead of long halls with closed doors the majority of the residents are out in the common areas. The food is cooked in the kitchen right there and they all are served and eat at a common table (a few spill over to tables in the sunroom.) It is a bright and cheery place and Bob seems so content there, and that makes me happy.
I would like to close with a paragraph from Guiding Light Ministries International:
"There IS a place in which we can abide, whatever external circumstances may come, where we can maintain a sense of peace and joy throughout whatever events may be unfolding in our lives. And it is within each and every one of us. You must find that place...for there is nothing else that can compare, and nothing else that will ever satisfy the soul of man!"
I am heading back to Israel in a few days. I solicit your prayers as I again walk where Jesus walked.
This summer will be very busy with grandkids here, but I will try to give updates on Bob. (They may be much shorter than this post, as he seems to be on a plateau at present.)
Betty
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
Thursday, April 19, 2018
Tax day has come and gone, and I am a happy woman! For the first time in many years, we got a refund! It is a dubious joy, as the reason for the refund is that I was able to deduct Bob's care. But it was over a month's rent at The Piper, and that is not to be sneezed at. Just the fact that we got a refund at all is cause for celebration!
I traveled to the beautiful state of Tennessee to be with the grandkids while they were on Spring break. It was a breath of fresh air (if you could remove all the pollen) from the hiccuping that we are experiencing here as Miss Spring tries to make her appearance. The redbuds and dogwoods were blooming, and I sang at full voice to CDs that are my favorite, as there was no one with me to cringe.
When I walked in to see Bob the day I got back, he said, "Well, where have you been?" I about fell over! Was he just greeting me as a figure of speech, or did he actually miss having me come, and know I had been gone? I told him I had been to see the grandkids, but there the interaction ended.
This blog will be Part I of the highlights from a lecture I heard at The Piper by Connie Michaelis, who is Lifestyle Consultant at The Piper. Part II will be my next blog, and will cover the options that are available. It is so important to start planning ahead and not be the proverbial ostrich that sticks its head in the sand, and denies that lifestyle changes must necessarily take place as we age. So saying, the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry, and one needs to be flexible to adapt to the change--not easy for an older person.
I have been taking my 86 year old friend Arlene Magruder around to see different facilities just to get a feel for what is out there, and hopefully that can help in the decision making process. It is so important to get ahead of emergencies, and have strategies in place, so you won't be unprepared or surprised.
Your home is your happy place; a place of safety and security. Connie says belongings aren't what define you as a person. After much contemplation on that statement, I respectfully disagree. Our possessions are the fabric of our lives. Is this who I am? No, this is who I was. Yes, I am something (somebody) else today. But we are in the prison of our ribbons, Connie says. Yes I am! I have one wall lined with photos I took and entered in the SMMC photo contest and there are ribbons hanging next to them!
The trip to the South was a little emotional. A friend from high school days was in the process of downsizing. She cherished a dining room set that her grandmother had in Italy, yet in the downsize there was no place for it, and she had to give it up. The set had made its way to this country and I have participated in gatherings at that table. (The bright spot is that I was given a wonderful tablecloth and napkin set that I have already used and will cherish.)
It made me think about my own downsizing. I will admit, I enjoy being in our house surrounded by all the souvenirs we collected in our travels. No one else will value those like I do. And how could I just throw my childhood dolls and china tea set that is in the basement in the trash? I still have my dollhouse furniture that went to Africa and back when my parents were missionaries, along with the forenamed dolls and tea set. I never had a dollhouse as there was never room for one, and it wouldn't have survived all the moves. So when we moved into our current home, I bought a dollhouse for the furniture, and the grandkids have fun playing with it. So I have decided to stay in our home as long as possible, and then when the time comes to downsize, have an estate sale, and not be present when it is going on. Hopefully I will be on a trip somewhere! And in the meantime, I will enjoy my possessions!
Yes, I realize that the time will come when the priority is to take care of just yourself and let go of collections. There are several men I know that have model train collections, and all the joy and work they have put into them are very important. One new resident at The Piper has 200 engines. They are home with his wife, but he has pictures in his room of his layout (that even included an outdoor layout that covered his entire yard.) Bob collected stamps and had collected them since 1970. Someone at the General Conference told him the collection would greatly increase in value and be worth a lot of money someday. (Beware of taking someone's word at the GC as the gospel!) He saved sheets of stamps, plate blocks, first day covers, all neatly stored and cataloged. They took up a lot of room. So recently I decided the collection was one thing I could downsize and hopefully sell when I could do it at my leisure. Was I ever shocked! I checked with local companies, and buyers and sellers as far away as Chicago, and they all told me the same thing. They aren't worth the paper they are printed on anymore. They said to just start using them for postage, you will get more worth out of them. I can never use them up in this lifetime, especially when there is not much use for snail mail anymore! The albums they are in are worth more than the stamps! Here I was hoping to get at least a month's rent at The Piper for them! Silly me! But that is the hardest thing I have done, is to start tearing those stamps at the perforations (and licking them!) and using them as postage. A package to a grandchild recently had the whole top of the package covered in stamps. It was colorful anyway! I am just glad Bob doesn't know about this happening, as he was so proud of his collection.
Bob also collected clocks. They are all over our home. Most of them had to be wound, and I forbade him to wind them, as they all would chime at different times and different volumes, which was NOT good for a day sleeper. Or night sleeper for that matter! That brings to mind this poem:
The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop,
at late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will, place no faith in time.
For the clock may soon be still.
--Robert H. Smith
When that day comes, collections and "stuff" will be meaningless. So in the meantime--enjoy!
Betty
I traveled to the beautiful state of Tennessee to be with the grandkids while they were on Spring break. It was a breath of fresh air (if you could remove all the pollen) from the hiccuping that we are experiencing here as Miss Spring tries to make her appearance. The redbuds and dogwoods were blooming, and I sang at full voice to CDs that are my favorite, as there was no one with me to cringe.
When I walked in to see Bob the day I got back, he said, "Well, where have you been?" I about fell over! Was he just greeting me as a figure of speech, or did he actually miss having me come, and know I had been gone? I told him I had been to see the grandkids, but there the interaction ended.
This blog will be Part I of the highlights from a lecture I heard at The Piper by Connie Michaelis, who is Lifestyle Consultant at The Piper. Part II will be my next blog, and will cover the options that are available. It is so important to start planning ahead and not be the proverbial ostrich that sticks its head in the sand, and denies that lifestyle changes must necessarily take place as we age. So saying, the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry, and one needs to be flexible to adapt to the change--not easy for an older person.
I have been taking my 86 year old friend Arlene Magruder around to see different facilities just to get a feel for what is out there, and hopefully that can help in the decision making process. It is so important to get ahead of emergencies, and have strategies in place, so you won't be unprepared or surprised.
Your home is your happy place; a place of safety and security. Connie says belongings aren't what define you as a person. After much contemplation on that statement, I respectfully disagree. Our possessions are the fabric of our lives. Is this who I am? No, this is who I was. Yes, I am something (somebody) else today. But we are in the prison of our ribbons, Connie says. Yes I am! I have one wall lined with photos I took and entered in the SMMC photo contest and there are ribbons hanging next to them!
The trip to the South was a little emotional. A friend from high school days was in the process of downsizing. She cherished a dining room set that her grandmother had in Italy, yet in the downsize there was no place for it, and she had to give it up. The set had made its way to this country and I have participated in gatherings at that table. (The bright spot is that I was given a wonderful tablecloth and napkin set that I have already used and will cherish.)
It made me think about my own downsizing. I will admit, I enjoy being in our house surrounded by all the souvenirs we collected in our travels. No one else will value those like I do. And how could I just throw my childhood dolls and china tea set that is in the basement in the trash? I still have my dollhouse furniture that went to Africa and back when my parents were missionaries, along with the forenamed dolls and tea set. I never had a dollhouse as there was never room for one, and it wouldn't have survived all the moves. So when we moved into our current home, I bought a dollhouse for the furniture, and the grandkids have fun playing with it. So I have decided to stay in our home as long as possible, and then when the time comes to downsize, have an estate sale, and not be present when it is going on. Hopefully I will be on a trip somewhere! And in the meantime, I will enjoy my possessions!
Yes, I realize that the time will come when the priority is to take care of just yourself and let go of collections. There are several men I know that have model train collections, and all the joy and work they have put into them are very important. One new resident at The Piper has 200 engines. They are home with his wife, but he has pictures in his room of his layout (that even included an outdoor layout that covered his entire yard.) Bob collected stamps and had collected them since 1970. Someone at the General Conference told him the collection would greatly increase in value and be worth a lot of money someday. (Beware of taking someone's word at the GC as the gospel!) He saved sheets of stamps, plate blocks, first day covers, all neatly stored and cataloged. They took up a lot of room. So recently I decided the collection was one thing I could downsize and hopefully sell when I could do it at my leisure. Was I ever shocked! I checked with local companies, and buyers and sellers as far away as Chicago, and they all told me the same thing. They aren't worth the paper they are printed on anymore. They said to just start using them for postage, you will get more worth out of them. I can never use them up in this lifetime, especially when there is not much use for snail mail anymore! The albums they are in are worth more than the stamps! Here I was hoping to get at least a month's rent at The Piper for them! Silly me! But that is the hardest thing I have done, is to start tearing those stamps at the perforations (and licking them!) and using them as postage. A package to a grandchild recently had the whole top of the package covered in stamps. It was colorful anyway! I am just glad Bob doesn't know about this happening, as he was so proud of his collection.
Bob also collected clocks. They are all over our home. Most of them had to be wound, and I forbade him to wind them, as they all would chime at different times and different volumes, which was NOT good for a day sleeper. Or night sleeper for that matter! That brings to mind this poem:
The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop,
at late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will, place no faith in time.
For the clock may soon be still.
--Robert H. Smith
When that day comes, collections and "stuff" will be meaningless. So in the meantime--enjoy!
Betty
Sunday, March 25, 2018
This has been a busy month. In spite of ominous storm warnings that came to nought, we are still marching forward to Spring--unlike many of our friends on the East coast that have had to deal with four Nor'easters! Bob's brother Steve and nephew John came in from Baltimore dodging the storms and flight delays. They stayed for a weekend, and it was so good to have them come. I was anxious to see if Bob knew who Steve was, and by any chance would he call him by name? Bob's face lit up like it does whenever anyone comes to see him, and he gave him a big smile. But was there any flicker of recognition? We couldn't see that, and he certainly didn't articulate anything. It was hard for Steve to see Bob like he is now, as the last time he saw Bob, things were just starting to be noticeable. For me, it has been such a gradual decline that it doesn't seem that different from what I see from day to day. Steve and I watched a video that had been made of Bob's 50th birthday party with all the relatives in Maryland. We laughed till we cried at some of the stories Bob was telling...
I recently went to a seminar at the Piper. They are excellent and open to the public if you see them advertised on Facebook (I share the posts). There is one this coming Tuesday at 10am and the topic is "Home sweet Home." I hope my home sweet home for awhile is the home I am living in at present, but I am going to go, and learn from it. It is good to have a few strategies in place, so you aren't blindsided when all of the sudden a crisis necessitates the move from your home under emergency conditions. The last seminar I went to there Caroline Dawson from Agewise Advocacy and Consulting was the speaker. Here are some of the pointers I took away from her excellent presentation about caring for the loved one with dementia.
Put anxiety behind you. Take behavior out of the equation and look at it as an expression of need--physical or emotional.
Take a deep breath before you engage. The filters are gone from your loved one, and they are experiencing sadness, anxiety and fear. They have reason to be afraid.
What are they trying to tell me? It is different from aggression, and they just need to feel like they have control.
Be open--get down to their level and extend your hand. Sit in front of them in a chair and encourage them to engage with you before touching them. Sit where they can see and hear you.
Do with what you have, not what you haven't got. They are doing the best they can, and need to control their environment.
Greet before you treat. Take a deep breath. Make things on their terms. Watch out for the "shoulds" and shouldn'ts. (He should do this, he should do that)
A lot of times they are overwhelmed. Reduce their stimulation.
Validation--"I see your tears. Align with them with empathy. It's OK to be sad.
Do more of what works and less of what doesn't.
Too many choices and options create stress. It is unfair to them if they are incapacitated or decking in cognition to make them make a decision that is overwhelming to them.
I just wish all caregivers in the home and in care homes could have attended that seminar. I know that some things are just flowery words and at some point however, the rubber meets the road. I want to applaud all caregivers, as it takes so much patience, and burnout is so common.
I will close with this poem "I Understand"
How difficult it must be for you.
To watch me become less of the person you once knew
My body is here, but my mind is not.
The things we once shared, I may have forgot.
This will be our longest goodbye.
For the mind of the person you love is slowing and will die.
I will not act or behave like the person I once was.
But please remember, it's not something I have control of
I'm sorry for this burden I put on you.
There will be some rough days, with teary eyes and hearts of blue.
But let the love of so many years carry us the rest of the way
Because this is not forever and our souls will meet again one day.
---Joy Rembert
I am heading to Tennessee to see the grandkids for Spring break. Three of them are teenagers, which should be another whole blog!
Happy Easter to you!
Betty
I recently went to a seminar at the Piper. They are excellent and open to the public if you see them advertised on Facebook (I share the posts). There is one this coming Tuesday at 10am and the topic is "Home sweet Home." I hope my home sweet home for awhile is the home I am living in at present, but I am going to go, and learn from it. It is good to have a few strategies in place, so you aren't blindsided when all of the sudden a crisis necessitates the move from your home under emergency conditions. The last seminar I went to there Caroline Dawson from Agewise Advocacy and Consulting was the speaker. Here are some of the pointers I took away from her excellent presentation about caring for the loved one with dementia.
Put anxiety behind you. Take behavior out of the equation and look at it as an expression of need--physical or emotional.
Take a deep breath before you engage. The filters are gone from your loved one, and they are experiencing sadness, anxiety and fear. They have reason to be afraid.
What are they trying to tell me? It is different from aggression, and they just need to feel like they have control.
Be open--get down to their level and extend your hand. Sit in front of them in a chair and encourage them to engage with you before touching them. Sit where they can see and hear you.
Do with what you have, not what you haven't got. They are doing the best they can, and need to control their environment.
Greet before you treat. Take a deep breath. Make things on their terms. Watch out for the "shoulds" and shouldn'ts. (He should do this, he should do that)
A lot of times they are overwhelmed. Reduce their stimulation.
Validation--"I see your tears. Align with them with empathy. It's OK to be sad.
Do more of what works and less of what doesn't.
Too many choices and options create stress. It is unfair to them if they are incapacitated or decking in cognition to make them make a decision that is overwhelming to them.
I just wish all caregivers in the home and in care homes could have attended that seminar. I know that some things are just flowery words and at some point however, the rubber meets the road. I want to applaud all caregivers, as it takes so much patience, and burnout is so common.
I will close with this poem "I Understand"
How difficult it must be for you.
To watch me become less of the person you once knew
My body is here, but my mind is not.
The things we once shared, I may have forgot.
This will be our longest goodbye.
For the mind of the person you love is slowing and will die.
I will not act or behave like the person I once was.
But please remember, it's not something I have control of
I'm sorry for this burden I put on you.
There will be some rough days, with teary eyes and hearts of blue.
But let the love of so many years carry us the rest of the way
Because this is not forever and our souls will meet again one day.
---Joy Rembert
I am heading to Tennessee to see the grandkids for Spring break. Three of them are teenagers, which should be another whole blog!
Happy Easter to you!
Betty
Monday, February 26, 2018
Before I get to the heart of this blog, I would like to clarify something from my last blog. My decision now would be to give Bob oral antibiotics if he needed them for an infection. On the papers for our living wills where it asks if we want antibiotics, I put a big question mark. If Bob was worse, and I felt he was near death, I would opt not to give antibiotics. But right now he is in a grey area, in limbo so to speak. He is still enjoying his food, and is very responsive to me and other people, although he cannot say who we are or carry on any conversation. (For those of you who knew Bob, this is significant...) Thanks for asking about this, Duane Hallock.
He is becoming more immobile, although he fell out of bed the other night. I don't know how that could happen as the hospice bed has big foam bolsters all along the edges. He was not injured, as the bed also lowers to the floor. Hospice has brought in a lift as he is becoming very hard to transfer, and I am afraid someone will hurt their back. It is not a Hoyer lift that I am used to and is not ideal either, but this one uses a jacket that is put on him and then the lift hooks on to hooks on the jacket. I am afraid this is not being used as much as it should be, as it is quite cumbersome, and time consuming. The CRNAs at The Piper were talking to the hospice bath aide the other day when I was there. The lift is manual and they had gotten Bob stuck up in the air and couldn't get him down. They said they were laughing and Bob was laughing! He must have thought he was on a carnival ride. They have figured out you have to manually push it down as well!
I would like to address in this blog something I am very concerned about. I cannot worry about it, as there is nothing I can do about it, so it wouldn't do any good to worry. I don't think I am a "voice crying in the wilderness" either. I am speaking from what I observe in this area; I welcome comments on my blog if you observe something different in your area. THERE IS A SHORTAGE OF HEALTHCARE WORKERS OUT THERE FOLKS!! The new facilities that are opening up in this area are HUGE, and there is a new one opening all the time. I visited someone in one the other day, and they cannot open all the wings, as there is no staff to do it. The turnover in all facilities is phenomenal; when another facility opens up and the pay is 50 cents more an hour, everyone flocks there. Facilities, including hospitals, use agency nurses and pay them much more than their regular staff, which is demoralizing to the loyal employees. And this is nothing new, but the problem seems to be increasing. Some nurses are traveling nurses--they travel to warmer climes like Florida, California, and Arizona in the winter and like snowbirds fly home in the summer, and still work for the travel agency and get their housing (in their own home) paid for. But I have observed the downside to this. One traveling nurse I knew traveled to Texas. She was put in charge the first night on a unit as she was the only one that could speak English and there had to be someone there to answer the phone if a doctor called. That is really scary; they don't know the doctors' preferences or hospital policies. A lot of places are staffed with nurses from foreign countries. When I worked at a hospital near Washington D.C., a lot of the staff was from India or the Philippines. They were hard working, dedicated and competent nurses, but could only work as nurse techs, because they didn't speak English well enough to pass boards. Another business that is booming is hospice. There are new ones opening at a dizzying pace. They are funded by Medicare, and the government is going to wake up to that soon. I also want to mention VA hospitals. Our veterans deserve the best they can get, but I am afraid that is not the case in a lot of places, with the news of the long waiting lists to get treatment. In our area, the reports vary about the care. I think it is pretty good here, and for that I am thankful. I know several wonderful ED doctors from Shawnee Mission Medical Center left to go to the VA hospital where they could work for 20 more years and retire with a great pension. Can you blame them?! I am so thankful for the healthcare workers that are willing to do that kind of work that is so demanding both physically and emotionally.
Now people that are living in these facilities are wondering if they are going to get the tax breaks for living in them that they have in the past. There are several continuum of care facilities that you get a tax break when you live there as you pay for your health care to the end of life in the package deal. I think I can deduct Bob's care this year, but we will have to wait and see what happens in the future.
Bottom line, I would like to die in my sleep, so I would not have to go to ANY facility. But as we all know, we don't get a choice!
I have been making pillows for friends who have lost their spouses from the shirts and sweaters of their loved ones. As I see them grieve, I grieve with them. It reminds me of the grief cycle of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. I would much prefer to leave you with this quote:
"Grief never ends. But, it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor lack of faith...It's the price of love." from Random Thoughts n' Lotsa Coffee with J.V. Manning. Thank you Jackie Moranville for sharing the quote.
May your cup of coffee (or tea) be bottomless and your tax return be more than you expected,
Until next time,
Betty
He is becoming more immobile, although he fell out of bed the other night. I don't know how that could happen as the hospice bed has big foam bolsters all along the edges. He was not injured, as the bed also lowers to the floor. Hospice has brought in a lift as he is becoming very hard to transfer, and I am afraid someone will hurt their back. It is not a Hoyer lift that I am used to and is not ideal either, but this one uses a jacket that is put on him and then the lift hooks on to hooks on the jacket. I am afraid this is not being used as much as it should be, as it is quite cumbersome, and time consuming. The CRNAs at The Piper were talking to the hospice bath aide the other day when I was there. The lift is manual and they had gotten Bob stuck up in the air and couldn't get him down. They said they were laughing and Bob was laughing! He must have thought he was on a carnival ride. They have figured out you have to manually push it down as well!
I would like to address in this blog something I am very concerned about. I cannot worry about it, as there is nothing I can do about it, so it wouldn't do any good to worry. I don't think I am a "voice crying in the wilderness" either. I am speaking from what I observe in this area; I welcome comments on my blog if you observe something different in your area. THERE IS A SHORTAGE OF HEALTHCARE WORKERS OUT THERE FOLKS!! The new facilities that are opening up in this area are HUGE, and there is a new one opening all the time. I visited someone in one the other day, and they cannot open all the wings, as there is no staff to do it. The turnover in all facilities is phenomenal; when another facility opens up and the pay is 50 cents more an hour, everyone flocks there. Facilities, including hospitals, use agency nurses and pay them much more than their regular staff, which is demoralizing to the loyal employees. And this is nothing new, but the problem seems to be increasing. Some nurses are traveling nurses--they travel to warmer climes like Florida, California, and Arizona in the winter and like snowbirds fly home in the summer, and still work for the travel agency and get their housing (in their own home) paid for. But I have observed the downside to this. One traveling nurse I knew traveled to Texas. She was put in charge the first night on a unit as she was the only one that could speak English and there had to be someone there to answer the phone if a doctor called. That is really scary; they don't know the doctors' preferences or hospital policies. A lot of places are staffed with nurses from foreign countries. When I worked at a hospital near Washington D.C., a lot of the staff was from India or the Philippines. They were hard working, dedicated and competent nurses, but could only work as nurse techs, because they didn't speak English well enough to pass boards. Another business that is booming is hospice. There are new ones opening at a dizzying pace. They are funded by Medicare, and the government is going to wake up to that soon. I also want to mention VA hospitals. Our veterans deserve the best they can get, but I am afraid that is not the case in a lot of places, with the news of the long waiting lists to get treatment. In our area, the reports vary about the care. I think it is pretty good here, and for that I am thankful. I know several wonderful ED doctors from Shawnee Mission Medical Center left to go to the VA hospital where they could work for 20 more years and retire with a great pension. Can you blame them?! I am so thankful for the healthcare workers that are willing to do that kind of work that is so demanding both physically and emotionally.
Now people that are living in these facilities are wondering if they are going to get the tax breaks for living in them that they have in the past. There are several continuum of care facilities that you get a tax break when you live there as you pay for your health care to the end of life in the package deal. I think I can deduct Bob's care this year, but we will have to wait and see what happens in the future.
Bottom line, I would like to die in my sleep, so I would not have to go to ANY facility. But as we all know, we don't get a choice!
I have been making pillows for friends who have lost their spouses from the shirts and sweaters of their loved ones. As I see them grieve, I grieve with them. It reminds me of the grief cycle of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. I would much prefer to leave you with this quote:
"Grief never ends. But, it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor lack of faith...It's the price of love." from Random Thoughts n' Lotsa Coffee with J.V. Manning. Thank you Jackie Moranville for sharing the quote.
May your cup of coffee (or tea) be bottomless and your tax return be more than you expected,
Until next time,
Betty
Friday, February 2, 2018
Happy Groundhog day! I understand that he saw his shadow, so there will be 6 more weeks of winter. But as I saw on Facebook, he is a rodent, not a meteorologist. I intensely dislike winter and would love to go back to sleep and wake up and find that it was Spring! I am well, but trying to dodge these cold and flu germs.
Bob is doing well also. His mobility is decreasing, and hospice brought in a lift to help transfer him. I know he has the strength to stand, but when they ask him to, his brain just won't connect with his muscles to perform the function. I certainly don't want the staff to hurt their backs lifting him. So far, he hasn't had the flu. One day when I was out to see him I noticed what sounded like the beginnings of bronchitis. He was coughing, and there was audible wheezing that anyone could hear without a stethoscope. I went home and spent a sleepless night going through different scenarios. If he got worse, would I ask for antibiotics? I finally came to the conclusion that I would allow oral (p.o.) antibiotics, maybe intramuscular (IM) and certainly not intravenous (IV) as that would entail going to the hospital where the germs are even more lethal. It ended up that he recovered on his own, and I didn't have to make that decision. We discussed this at the Alzheimer's support group which happened to be right at the same time (a wonderful blessing). Another lady in the group was faced with the same decision. So saying, I am well aware that the flu could sweep through the patient population at The Piper, even though they all had flu shots, and in their compromised state, many might succumb. The decision would be made for me, as antibiotics would not help. There is a sweet resident there that I really love. She went to the hospital for pneumonia, came back, and I thought she was rallying to recover. But when I saw he yesterday, she was obviously declining, and it breaks my heart. I know hospice would have helped walk and talk me through it and be there for me if it happens again, so that is comforting to know. The timing might weigh in on the decision, but is there ever a good time?
My daughter sent the following to me, and I hope you will read it carefully, and maybe it will help you in difficult choices you may have to make someday. It is written by Kimberly Callinan, who is chief program officer of Compassion and Choices, the nation's largest end-of-life choice advocacy organization. Also by Brad Stuart who has been an internal medicine, palliative care and hospice physician for almost 40 years. They wrote this for American Forum.
5 questions to ask about end-of-life care:
By 2030, and estimated 72 million American, one-fifth of the U.S. population, will by 65 or older, according to Kaiser Health News. Yet while three out of four doctors believe it's their responsibility to talk with patient about their end-of-life care goals, only one out of seven actually held these conversations, according to a recent survey by the John A. Hartford Foundation, California Health Care Foundation and Cambia Foundation.
The reason? Nearly half of doctors said they don't know what to say, and less than a third are trained to talk with patients and their families about the end of life. When doctors don't know how to balance their patients' quality of life with its length, it's only too easy to resort to tests and treatments. As a result, many people spend their final days shuttling in and out of the hospital instead of enjoying all the precious moments they can.
Patients can change this dynamic just by asking the right questions. This gives their doctors permission to talk about the benefits and risks of treatment and outline all care options including hospice. Only then can doctor and patient make treatment decisions together to match the patient's personal goals, priorities and values.
These questions cover five major areas:
MY CONDITION: Is my disease curable? Will it shorten my life? By how much? What's likely to happen as it progresses?
BENEFITS OF TREATMENT: How will this treatment help my condition? Will I be cured or will the disease come back? What are the odds either way? Will treatment return me to normal function?
BURDENS OF TREATMENT: Does this treatment have side effects? What will my quality of life be like during treatment? What activities will I have to give up? How much time will I spend in the hospital or going to doctors' appointments?
OTHER TREATMENT OPTIONS: What are my other treatment options? What happens if we focus on slowing the disease without going for a cure? Or focus on comfort rather than fighting the disease? Or do nothing? What about hospice?
DOCTORS PERSONAL VIEW: A 2014 study by physicians affiliated with the Stanford University School of Medicine, Stanford Hospital and Clinics, and Veterans Affair Palo Alto Health Care System showed that almost 90 percent of doctors would choose to forgo aggressive treatment at the end of their own lives. Most would want to die gently with few interventions. So patients should also ask their doctors: "What would you do if you had my diagnosis and prognosis?"
By asking these questions early in the course of illness, patients can empower themselves to write their own end-of-life story and have more control over their last years, months and days of life.
*****************************
I wish families would read this as well as the patients. People's decisions will be different, depending on their age, and certainly dependent on the ages of their children. I have seen patients opt for treatment to get to a life celebration, such as a wedding, but then discontinue treatment. I wish that families would allow their loved one to make the decision, and then respect that decision. End of life often brings on family conflicts that have been buried for years and should certainly not be brought up at this time. They spend precious time fighting instead of loving. Focus on the memories, the good times, and give yourselves that gift.
The other day I was cleaning out a drawer. I came across a note on an index card from Bob that he had written and put on the counter for me to read when I came home from working the night shift. I am sure the house was spotless, as he would clean the house thoroughly before going to work. It read:
Good Morning Betty. I love you. Have a good rest. Love, Rob xxxooo
That is the man I know and love! I am so glad he is content now, and looks like he is at peace.
Betty
Bob is doing well also. His mobility is decreasing, and hospice brought in a lift to help transfer him. I know he has the strength to stand, but when they ask him to, his brain just won't connect with his muscles to perform the function. I certainly don't want the staff to hurt their backs lifting him. So far, he hasn't had the flu. One day when I was out to see him I noticed what sounded like the beginnings of bronchitis. He was coughing, and there was audible wheezing that anyone could hear without a stethoscope. I went home and spent a sleepless night going through different scenarios. If he got worse, would I ask for antibiotics? I finally came to the conclusion that I would allow oral (p.o.) antibiotics, maybe intramuscular (IM) and certainly not intravenous (IV) as that would entail going to the hospital where the germs are even more lethal. It ended up that he recovered on his own, and I didn't have to make that decision. We discussed this at the Alzheimer's support group which happened to be right at the same time (a wonderful blessing). Another lady in the group was faced with the same decision. So saying, I am well aware that the flu could sweep through the patient population at The Piper, even though they all had flu shots, and in their compromised state, many might succumb. The decision would be made for me, as antibiotics would not help. There is a sweet resident there that I really love. She went to the hospital for pneumonia, came back, and I thought she was rallying to recover. But when I saw he yesterday, she was obviously declining, and it breaks my heart. I know hospice would have helped walk and talk me through it and be there for me if it happens again, so that is comforting to know. The timing might weigh in on the decision, but is there ever a good time?
My daughter sent the following to me, and I hope you will read it carefully, and maybe it will help you in difficult choices you may have to make someday. It is written by Kimberly Callinan, who is chief program officer of Compassion and Choices, the nation's largest end-of-life choice advocacy organization. Also by Brad Stuart who has been an internal medicine, palliative care and hospice physician for almost 40 years. They wrote this for American Forum.
5 questions to ask about end-of-life care:
By 2030, and estimated 72 million American, one-fifth of the U.S. population, will by 65 or older, according to Kaiser Health News. Yet while three out of four doctors believe it's their responsibility to talk with patient about their end-of-life care goals, only one out of seven actually held these conversations, according to a recent survey by the John A. Hartford Foundation, California Health Care Foundation and Cambia Foundation.
The reason? Nearly half of doctors said they don't know what to say, and less than a third are trained to talk with patients and their families about the end of life. When doctors don't know how to balance their patients' quality of life with its length, it's only too easy to resort to tests and treatments. As a result, many people spend their final days shuttling in and out of the hospital instead of enjoying all the precious moments they can.
Patients can change this dynamic just by asking the right questions. This gives their doctors permission to talk about the benefits and risks of treatment and outline all care options including hospice. Only then can doctor and patient make treatment decisions together to match the patient's personal goals, priorities and values.
These questions cover five major areas:
MY CONDITION: Is my disease curable? Will it shorten my life? By how much? What's likely to happen as it progresses?
BENEFITS OF TREATMENT: How will this treatment help my condition? Will I be cured or will the disease come back? What are the odds either way? Will treatment return me to normal function?
BURDENS OF TREATMENT: Does this treatment have side effects? What will my quality of life be like during treatment? What activities will I have to give up? How much time will I spend in the hospital or going to doctors' appointments?
OTHER TREATMENT OPTIONS: What are my other treatment options? What happens if we focus on slowing the disease without going for a cure? Or focus on comfort rather than fighting the disease? Or do nothing? What about hospice?
DOCTORS PERSONAL VIEW: A 2014 study by physicians affiliated with the Stanford University School of Medicine, Stanford Hospital and Clinics, and Veterans Affair Palo Alto Health Care System showed that almost 90 percent of doctors would choose to forgo aggressive treatment at the end of their own lives. Most would want to die gently with few interventions. So patients should also ask their doctors: "What would you do if you had my diagnosis and prognosis?"
By asking these questions early in the course of illness, patients can empower themselves to write their own end-of-life story and have more control over their last years, months and days of life.
*****************************
I wish families would read this as well as the patients. People's decisions will be different, depending on their age, and certainly dependent on the ages of their children. I have seen patients opt for treatment to get to a life celebration, such as a wedding, but then discontinue treatment. I wish that families would allow their loved one to make the decision, and then respect that decision. End of life often brings on family conflicts that have been buried for years and should certainly not be brought up at this time. They spend precious time fighting instead of loving. Focus on the memories, the good times, and give yourselves that gift.
The other day I was cleaning out a drawer. I came across a note on an index card from Bob that he had written and put on the counter for me to read when I came home from working the night shift. I am sure the house was spotless, as he would clean the house thoroughly before going to work. It read:
Good Morning Betty. I love you. Have a good rest. Love, Rob xxxooo
That is the man I know and love! I am so glad he is content now, and looks like he is at peace.
Betty
Saturday, December 9, 2017
We are in the midst of the busy holiday season, but I hope you will take a few minutes to read my blog. I must confess that Christmas is not my favorite holiday. I don't like all the commercialism that surrounds it, and I can't but help think of all the people who will be lonely at Christmas. This Christmas Bob and I are in a much better place. Last Christmas I left him in the car in the grocery store parking lot while I ran in to get 2 items. He had never gotten out of the car before, but there is always a first time for everything. When I came out, he was nowhere to be found. A sweet lady saw me looking frantically around the parking lot and asked if I was looking for Bob. She had seen him wandering around the parking lot and had taken him into the store. I thanked her profusely and ran into the store, but I couldn't find him there either. Then paramedics arrived and I just had a hunch it could be something to do with Bob....The store management had called them, and he was fine, had not fallen, but of course he wasn't making sense to them, but he was certainly enjoying all the attention! This year he is not belligerent and angry like he was last year, so this will be a much better Christmas.
Here are a few tips that may help you survive the holidays:
1. Pay it forward. Three times in the last month someone has paid it forward to me. I was able to reciprocate and pay it forward to someone else. Strange how it makes your day, whether you are on the receiving or the giving end.
2. Exercise. If you can do just half an hour a day it will help. I have given this tip before that our yoga instructor ends our sessions with during the Advent season. And it will help also if you are worried and you can't sleep. Lie on your back, and relax totally. On the inhale say a phrase something like "Peace of Christ" and on the exhale say "rest in me". Or say whatever you choose.
Or you can do Tai Chi. Google "taichi18.com" and then click on the site "TaiChi, Qigong and Feng Shui Institute: Home. You have to scroll down a little to get to the video. If you are not in shape, this is for you!
3. Enjoy the food, keeping it as healthy as possible, but splurge a little. When my dad died, my mom's comfort food was marshmallows, and she ate bags of them. I think mine would be spaghetti, or maybe chocolate! For Bob it is German Chocolate cake. I have made him one for his birthday every year since we have been married, except when we are traveling. I made one recently and took him a piece. I asked him if he wanted it (silly question!). He doesn't always answer questions with answers that make sense, but this time he said YES! Then he asked "Did you make it?"
4. Enjoy the music, even if you have been hearing it since October. I have enjoyed several concerts already this season, and it lifts your spirits. Also I have been playing Christmas music, secular and sacred on the piano at The Piper where Bob is, and the residents that don't pay attention any other time have perked up their ears, tap their toes, and sing along.
5. Stay healthy. I went to a naturopathic doctor recently that is hired by Shawnee Mission Medical Center, or Shawnee Mission Health as it is called now, with all the satellites. She had spoken at one of our retired nurses luncheons and I was very impressed with her. I wanted her to review the supplements I am taking and make suggestions. She recommended to keep your immunity up during this cold and flu season to take elderberry concentrate. She said there is no better antioxidant. Take a teaspoon a day, and increase the dose greatly if you start to have cold symptoms. If you live here locally, the one she recommends is Elderberry concentrate made by Wyldewood Cellars in Peck, KS and it is available at Natural Grocers. It comes in what looks like a wine bottle. I promise it isn't elderberry wine, but a nip or two of that might not be a bad thing either! If you don't have access to that, any brand of elderberry concentrate would be fine, I am sure. I don't know why insurance doesn't pay for preventative and homeopathic medicine, but they don't. But see, I have given you some free advice!
6. Decorate--at least a little, so you don't have to face taking it all down in January. Mine is scaled way down this year because of two resident cats named Smoky and Sadie!
7. Stay connected as much as possible with friends and family, and cherish your loved ones. You don't know how much longer you will have them. I have dear friends who have lost their spouses this year and this will be a blue Christmas for them, I am sure. Bob's brother's wife died from complications of a routine knee surgery (if there is such a thing). I will be spending winter evenings of January and February making pillows for them from their favorite husband's shirts, for maybe a small consolation. I have had people tell me this year that they received phone calls from Bob after he was diagnosed, and it seemed like he just wanted to talk. I have no idea how he got their phone numbers, but one high school classmate knew it was a blast from the past when he called her at work and asked for "Sharon Rose". She had not used her middle name after she got married! I did not know he made those phone calls. Was he calling maybe to say goodbye?
I think as you grow older your Christmas list gets shorter because the things you want can't be bought--(author unknown). For all my friends and family, and also as granddaughter Libby prays for all the animals, this Christmas I wish for you joy, love, and health, but most of all I wish for you to have peace.
Love to you all this Christmas,
Betty
Here are a few tips that may help you survive the holidays:
1. Pay it forward. Three times in the last month someone has paid it forward to me. I was able to reciprocate and pay it forward to someone else. Strange how it makes your day, whether you are on the receiving or the giving end.
2. Exercise. If you can do just half an hour a day it will help. I have given this tip before that our yoga instructor ends our sessions with during the Advent season. And it will help also if you are worried and you can't sleep. Lie on your back, and relax totally. On the inhale say a phrase something like "Peace of Christ" and on the exhale say "rest in me". Or say whatever you choose.
Or you can do Tai Chi. Google "taichi18.com" and then click on the site "TaiChi, Qigong and Feng Shui Institute: Home. You have to scroll down a little to get to the video. If you are not in shape, this is for you!
3. Enjoy the food, keeping it as healthy as possible, but splurge a little. When my dad died, my mom's comfort food was marshmallows, and she ate bags of them. I think mine would be spaghetti, or maybe chocolate! For Bob it is German Chocolate cake. I have made him one for his birthday every year since we have been married, except when we are traveling. I made one recently and took him a piece. I asked him if he wanted it (silly question!). He doesn't always answer questions with answers that make sense, but this time he said YES! Then he asked "Did you make it?"
4. Enjoy the music, even if you have been hearing it since October. I have enjoyed several concerts already this season, and it lifts your spirits. Also I have been playing Christmas music, secular and sacred on the piano at The Piper where Bob is, and the residents that don't pay attention any other time have perked up their ears, tap their toes, and sing along.
5. Stay healthy. I went to a naturopathic doctor recently that is hired by Shawnee Mission Medical Center, or Shawnee Mission Health as it is called now, with all the satellites. She had spoken at one of our retired nurses luncheons and I was very impressed with her. I wanted her to review the supplements I am taking and make suggestions. She recommended to keep your immunity up during this cold and flu season to take elderberry concentrate. She said there is no better antioxidant. Take a teaspoon a day, and increase the dose greatly if you start to have cold symptoms. If you live here locally, the one she recommends is Elderberry concentrate made by Wyldewood Cellars in Peck, KS and it is available at Natural Grocers. It comes in what looks like a wine bottle. I promise it isn't elderberry wine, but a nip or two of that might not be a bad thing either! If you don't have access to that, any brand of elderberry concentrate would be fine, I am sure. I don't know why insurance doesn't pay for preventative and homeopathic medicine, but they don't. But see, I have given you some free advice!
6. Decorate--at least a little, so you don't have to face taking it all down in January. Mine is scaled way down this year because of two resident cats named Smoky and Sadie!
7. Stay connected as much as possible with friends and family, and cherish your loved ones. You don't know how much longer you will have them. I have dear friends who have lost their spouses this year and this will be a blue Christmas for them, I am sure. Bob's brother's wife died from complications of a routine knee surgery (if there is such a thing). I will be spending winter evenings of January and February making pillows for them from their favorite husband's shirts, for maybe a small consolation. I have had people tell me this year that they received phone calls from Bob after he was diagnosed, and it seemed like he just wanted to talk. I have no idea how he got their phone numbers, but one high school classmate knew it was a blast from the past when he called her at work and asked for "Sharon Rose". She had not used her middle name after she got married! I did not know he made those phone calls. Was he calling maybe to say goodbye?
I think as you grow older your Christmas list gets shorter because the things you want can't be bought--(author unknown). For all my friends and family, and also as granddaughter Libby prays for all the animals, this Christmas I wish for you joy, love, and health, but most of all I wish for you to have peace.
Love to you all this Christmas,
Betty
Saturday, November 11, 2017
I have skipped a month in my blogging. It is partly due to the fact that I have been so busy, but also, not that much has changed with Bob.
I have just returned from a drive to TN where I saw the three grandchildren there, and then saw grandson Jaden from St. Louis on the way back. It is so wonderful to be able to travel and know that Bob is content and well cared for. This time when I returned he greeted me with a big hug, something that he has not done in a long time. Thank you to friend Harry Janke who checked on him while I was gone. He is happy just to sit and hold Harry's hand, unspoken communication.
I have written before about some guidelines in talking to someone with dementia, but these are a little different. It is often difficult to hold a conversation and maybe these tips will help.
1. Approach from the front so as not to startle. I specifically saw this with a man that had been a security guard, and became understandably combative, when he was surprised when being approached from behind.
2. Converse at eye level. This also works with children--they are so much more receptive when you kneel down in front of them instead of tower over them.
3. Never argue or disagree, instead join their reality.
4. Keep it simple. Stick to short specific statements. I have learned not to use the word "and."
5. Reminisce--in general, older memories are easier to recall than recent ones. It is very hard for me not to say "remember this person?" or "remember when?" It just causes stress as they strive to remember something that is maybe there, but they can't put it into words.
6. If an upset occurs, acknowledge their feeling and redirect with a change of scenery or a new topic. We used to remind each other when we were watching grandkids--DIVERT! DIVERT! (We were not that astute when OUR kids were growing up!)
7. Don't be offended if you are not remembered in the moment. It's not you, it is the dementia.
I would like to relate a story that only those of you who know our precious pastor can appreciate. He had messaged me and asked when he could go with me to see Bob. We set up a time, and went out to The Piper. Another resident wandered in and joined the conversation. Bob and this other resident have struck up a friendship and it is quite entertaining listening to them converse. It makes no sense from either side, but it is satisfying to both of them, and they seem to enjoy it. Bill asked our pastor, Doug Elsey what kind of work he did. Pastor Elsey (who is from England) responded in his fine British accent that he was a "poster". Bill seemed quite confused. He said "I have never heard of a poster before. Is it like an imposter?!" Dear Pastor Elsey took it all in stride, and patiently explained more about his ministry.
This evening we had another wonderful visit with a few employees that Bob had been buddies with for years at the hospital. His secretary, Judie Royer was already at the hospital when he came in 1974, but Janet Jordan and Fred DeSieghardt were hired just a couple of years later. Fred and Bob had a special bond, as both have/have had/ cerebral palsy. Fred has now worked at the hospital for 40 years and is 64 years old. That seems unbelievable to me! Fred now has grey hair, but he is the same sincere person he always has been and he was so excited to see Bob. Fred sends Bob a "thinking of you" card every month. Bob seems to be more cognizant recently, and it looked like he obviously recognized everyone, even if he couldn't say their names. I took a photo album, and of course Fred remembered everyone in the pictures!
As the Thanksgiving season approaches, I am so thankful I still have Bob. When he went on hospice in May, I was sure he wouldn't be here for the holidays. But things have changed so much for the better, that now I can go see him, and just sit there with him and read a book and enjoy his company without saying a word. I don't know how long this phase will last, but I am grateful for the little things, and cherish them. I would like for things to be how they used to be, but....
We only THINK we might write the story different because we don't know the same things the Storyteller knows.
YOUR kingdom come--not OUR kingdom.
THY will be done--not OURS
YOUR story be written--not OUR way, but YOUR way.
Enjoy your holidays with your families. I am going to get on my soap box for a minute. PLEASE put down your cell phones. Make the kids put theirs down, especially at mealtime. Have a real family conversation. Be present in the moment. Communicate. You will be blessed by it.
Betty
I have just returned from a drive to TN where I saw the three grandchildren there, and then saw grandson Jaden from St. Louis on the way back. It is so wonderful to be able to travel and know that Bob is content and well cared for. This time when I returned he greeted me with a big hug, something that he has not done in a long time. Thank you to friend Harry Janke who checked on him while I was gone. He is happy just to sit and hold Harry's hand, unspoken communication.
I have written before about some guidelines in talking to someone with dementia, but these are a little different. It is often difficult to hold a conversation and maybe these tips will help.
1. Approach from the front so as not to startle. I specifically saw this with a man that had been a security guard, and became understandably combative, when he was surprised when being approached from behind.
2. Converse at eye level. This also works with children--they are so much more receptive when you kneel down in front of them instead of tower over them.
3. Never argue or disagree, instead join their reality.
4. Keep it simple. Stick to short specific statements. I have learned not to use the word "and."
5. Reminisce--in general, older memories are easier to recall than recent ones. It is very hard for me not to say "remember this person?" or "remember when?" It just causes stress as they strive to remember something that is maybe there, but they can't put it into words.
6. If an upset occurs, acknowledge their feeling and redirect with a change of scenery or a new topic. We used to remind each other when we were watching grandkids--DIVERT! DIVERT! (We were not that astute when OUR kids were growing up!)
7. Don't be offended if you are not remembered in the moment. It's not you, it is the dementia.
I would like to relate a story that only those of you who know our precious pastor can appreciate. He had messaged me and asked when he could go with me to see Bob. We set up a time, and went out to The Piper. Another resident wandered in and joined the conversation. Bob and this other resident have struck up a friendship and it is quite entertaining listening to them converse. It makes no sense from either side, but it is satisfying to both of them, and they seem to enjoy it. Bill asked our pastor, Doug Elsey what kind of work he did. Pastor Elsey (who is from England) responded in his fine British accent that he was a "poster". Bill seemed quite confused. He said "I have never heard of a poster before. Is it like an imposter?!" Dear Pastor Elsey took it all in stride, and patiently explained more about his ministry.
This evening we had another wonderful visit with a few employees that Bob had been buddies with for years at the hospital. His secretary, Judie Royer was already at the hospital when he came in 1974, but Janet Jordan and Fred DeSieghardt were hired just a couple of years later. Fred and Bob had a special bond, as both have/have had/ cerebral palsy. Fred has now worked at the hospital for 40 years and is 64 years old. That seems unbelievable to me! Fred now has grey hair, but he is the same sincere person he always has been and he was so excited to see Bob. Fred sends Bob a "thinking of you" card every month. Bob seems to be more cognizant recently, and it looked like he obviously recognized everyone, even if he couldn't say their names. I took a photo album, and of course Fred remembered everyone in the pictures!
As the Thanksgiving season approaches, I am so thankful I still have Bob. When he went on hospice in May, I was sure he wouldn't be here for the holidays. But things have changed so much for the better, that now I can go see him, and just sit there with him and read a book and enjoy his company without saying a word. I don't know how long this phase will last, but I am grateful for the little things, and cherish them. I would like for things to be how they used to be, but....
We only THINK we might write the story different because we don't know the same things the Storyteller knows.
YOUR kingdom come--not OUR kingdom.
THY will be done--not OURS
YOUR story be written--not OUR way, but YOUR way.
Enjoy your holidays with your families. I am going to get on my soap box for a minute. PLEASE put down your cell phones. Make the kids put theirs down, especially at mealtime. Have a real family conversation. Be present in the moment. Communicate. You will be blessed by it.
Betty
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)