Today is a beautiful Spring day and appropriately it is Easter weekend. The trees are a riot of color, and all nature seems to be celebrating the end of a very long winter. I drove out to see Bob, and the residents of the Armourdale unit (where Bob is) at The Piper seemed bored, so I decided to play the piano for them. I was playing some hymns, but mainly Gaither songs. After I finished one song, a resident that is usually very quiet said "That was 'We'll talk it over.'" I was so surprised as he didn't know the previous song "Life is like a Mountain Railroad" which some of the other residents knew.
I remember my brother Bob and my husband Bob sang that as a duet in church many years ago, and I played the piano. Little did I know how significant the words would become.
I would like to talk over with my Lord why a good man such as Bob would have to get Alzheimer's. Bob did so much good in his life. The Family Center at the hospital where he worked is opening up a Family Center the end of this month. It includes the child care center for employee's children (the best in the area) and an Infant Development Center for handicapped children. When we first moved here the Infant Development Center was in another facility off campus. There was a torrential rain one night and it was flooded. The founder, Lee Ann Britain, called Shawnee Mission Medical Center and asked if they had space where they could move temporarily. A space was found and overnight Bob and the Environmental Services crew moved them to a place in the hospital and they were ready for business the next morning. To make a long story short, they never moved from the hospital. Bob enthusiastically supported them during his whole career. I can't help but think it was because of him having cerebral palsy in his infancy and early life. He didn't walk until he was 5, and then it was because of intensive therapy.
Another cause Bob put a lot of energy into was the Adventist school, maybe because he had children that went there. He was chairman of the building committee for the building of the new Midland Adventist School (now Midland Adventist Academy) and put many hours of sweat and tears into it. He told the story of how he went with the hospital attorney to visit a neighbor of the school that they needed to talk to regarding putting a sewer line through his property. They were met on the porch looking down the barrel of a gun and the man telling them to get off his property. But in the end, after showing him the money, he relented! When the school opened, the library was called the Robert L. Woolford library. It was a perfect tribute as Bob loved to read and he loved the kids! With the advent of computers, the library is now the school music room, which is also appropriate as he also loved music. The sign on the room reads "This space served as the Robert L. Woolford Library from 1998-2018. Robert was a tireless champion of Seventh-day Adventist education and played a pivotal role in the establishment of Midland Adventist School."
Yes, I would like to ask my Lord why something so bad happened to someone so good. He had such a hard time in his early life, it doesn't seem fair that he should end his life the same way. He has to be fed now, but he still loves to eat. I am glad, as I watch other residents that are unable to swallow now, or have forgotten how to swallow. And when someone with Alzheimer's can't swallow, they often choke, and get aspiration pneumonia which ends their life. So while he is able to enjoy them, I take him little treats. I try to go out and feed him lunch every other day. The other day I took him a piece of homemade German Chocolate cake (his favorite) and evidently I wasn't shoveling it in fast enough. He made a motion with his hands that very clearly said "COME ON!"
I will end with the words from the chorus of the song:
We'll talk it over in the bye and bye,
We'll talk it over, my Lord and I
I'll ask the reasons; He'll tell my why
When we talk it over, in the bye and bye.
I am sure others are wondering the same things that I do, but keep in mind this Easter season that God knows why, and someday it will be revealed to us. He loved us so much He sent his son, and we cannot understand that either!
Happy Easter!
Betty
Saturday, April 20, 2019
Monday, March 4, 2019
Greetings from the frozen tundra that is the Midwest right now! But as Percy Bysshe Shelley said "O, wind, if winter comes, can Spring be far behind?" He certainly was an optimistic soul, wasn't he? I am beginning to think winter will never end! To keep myself busy and occupied and to while away the hours, have turned again to my pillow making. I have made so many for my friends of their spouses shirts and sweaters after their loved one's passing that I decided to make one for myself. So I took one of my favorite shirts of Bob's and made one for me to hug! Then daughter Valerie reminded me that she would like one was well, so I took one of Bob's Pendleton wool shirts that we all love, and made one for her. Then she said she would like one made from one of my shirts, and since I cannot make one for her after I am dead, I decided I had better get busy on it. After all, I could die prematurely in an auto accident or plane crash. So I took a jacket, also made of Pendleton wool, that my grandmother made for me when I was in the 7th grade (and by the way it still fits!) and made the pillow from that. I think they turned out great as they are both red and black plaid.
So, as Mark Twain mused, "Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated, " I too am forced to face my own mortality. And although some may look on it as very morbid, I had a wonderful time planning my own memorial service. When Valerie vehemently protested when I gave it to her for safe keeping, again I reminded her that I cannot plan it after my death. The only clue I can give you is that some of you would absolutely love it, and some of you would absolutely hate it! So I am inviting those of you who are MUCH younger than me to please come to my memorial celebration and see for yourself! Am I going crazy with this cold weather or what?!
Last week I made a spur of the moment trip to Baltimore, Maryland where all of Bob's family still lives. Though we have known for some time that Bob's older brother has a progressive lung disease, the reality of his prognosis didn't hit home to me until he was placed on hospice care. I decided that I would like to get there and see him and tell him good-bye rather than go to the funeral. I was worried I wouldn't get there in time, as flights were sold out or were cost prohibitive when I started to try to make reservations. But I am so thankful that I made it. Though I knew it would be hard seeing him weak and bedfast, he was so glad to see me, so it made it all worthwhile. Harrel, you have been a great family patriarch. He was 10 when his mother and father both walked out on the family and left their 65 year old grandmother to raise 4 boys, the youngest then 2 and 1/2, on just her Social Security. If you have been around Bob at all, you have heard him tell this story. The four boys owe a debt of gratitude to their grandmother they can never repay. She kept them from being separated even though it was extremely hard and they had to live in the slums of Baltimore. Thank you again Harrel, as being the eldest, more responsibility was on your shoulders. Safe and peaceful passage to you.
I got to see all the brothers and their families, and also some dear friends during the short time I was there. As we age, those connections somehow seem dearer to us, don't you agree?
With permission, I would like to include a paragraph from Karina Pettey, a young wife and mother that has beat breast cancer twice, and hopefully forever. She is a daughter of one of my nursing roommates and was raising her family while going through surgery, chemo, and radiation. She had her own blog during the time, but that chapter is now closed, and she was writing as a guest on another blog. Here are some excerpts I want to emphasize: "Respect for your friend's family circle, choices, and values is especially important during periods of vulnerablity. Respect does not mean you would make the same choices yourself. It means having healthy conversation and still being supportive friends. Respect your friend's medical philosophy and choices. Ask your friend what she wants her journey to look like. What is her set of healthcare values? What are her wishes? She likely needs a friend to bounce ideas around with. To be a trustworthy sounding board, it helps if you've care enough to understand her diagnosis and medical philosophy."
I remember when I was working and a patient that had been in the hospital for weeks would die. I would ask the family which funeral home I should call. They would look at each other blankly and shrug their shoulders. Then I would have to get out the phone book (remember those dinosaurs?!) and point to the mortuary section. As a nurse, I just couldn't understand why they hadn't thought about that ahead of time. But now I understand. You are dealing with so much of the present, that you don't want to think of the future with its sorrow and loss. Identify with them and be respectful.
I also went to see the church in Baltimore where we got married, and could picture us, in the prime of good health, and very much in love. But now Bob again weighs what he did when we got married. And it is a very different picture now. He just sits and looks at the food and can't figure out what to do with it. They feed him, and I go early when I can to help with that, and bring him snacks and goodies in the middle of the afternoon. He still has his sweet tooth....
I am getting ready to leave this frozen land soon and go where it is warm and take 9 year old Libby to Disney World during her Spring break. Isn't Disney World the happiest place on earth? So I will identify with the younger generation during that time, and hopefully monsoons and tornadoes won't be able to catch us! Life goes on!
Until next time,
Betty
So, as Mark Twain mused, "Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated, " I too am forced to face my own mortality. And although some may look on it as very morbid, I had a wonderful time planning my own memorial service. When Valerie vehemently protested when I gave it to her for safe keeping, again I reminded her that I cannot plan it after my death. The only clue I can give you is that some of you would absolutely love it, and some of you would absolutely hate it! So I am inviting those of you who are MUCH younger than me to please come to my memorial celebration and see for yourself! Am I going crazy with this cold weather or what?!
Last week I made a spur of the moment trip to Baltimore, Maryland where all of Bob's family still lives. Though we have known for some time that Bob's older brother has a progressive lung disease, the reality of his prognosis didn't hit home to me until he was placed on hospice care. I decided that I would like to get there and see him and tell him good-bye rather than go to the funeral. I was worried I wouldn't get there in time, as flights were sold out or were cost prohibitive when I started to try to make reservations. But I am so thankful that I made it. Though I knew it would be hard seeing him weak and bedfast, he was so glad to see me, so it made it all worthwhile. Harrel, you have been a great family patriarch. He was 10 when his mother and father both walked out on the family and left their 65 year old grandmother to raise 4 boys, the youngest then 2 and 1/2, on just her Social Security. If you have been around Bob at all, you have heard him tell this story. The four boys owe a debt of gratitude to their grandmother they can never repay. She kept them from being separated even though it was extremely hard and they had to live in the slums of Baltimore. Thank you again Harrel, as being the eldest, more responsibility was on your shoulders. Safe and peaceful passage to you.
I got to see all the brothers and their families, and also some dear friends during the short time I was there. As we age, those connections somehow seem dearer to us, don't you agree?
With permission, I would like to include a paragraph from Karina Pettey, a young wife and mother that has beat breast cancer twice, and hopefully forever. She is a daughter of one of my nursing roommates and was raising her family while going through surgery, chemo, and radiation. She had her own blog during the time, but that chapter is now closed, and she was writing as a guest on another blog. Here are some excerpts I want to emphasize: "Respect for your friend's family circle, choices, and values is especially important during periods of vulnerablity. Respect does not mean you would make the same choices yourself. It means having healthy conversation and still being supportive friends. Respect your friend's medical philosophy and choices. Ask your friend what she wants her journey to look like. What is her set of healthcare values? What are her wishes? She likely needs a friend to bounce ideas around with. To be a trustworthy sounding board, it helps if you've care enough to understand her diagnosis and medical philosophy."
I remember when I was working and a patient that had been in the hospital for weeks would die. I would ask the family which funeral home I should call. They would look at each other blankly and shrug their shoulders. Then I would have to get out the phone book (remember those dinosaurs?!) and point to the mortuary section. As a nurse, I just couldn't understand why they hadn't thought about that ahead of time. But now I understand. You are dealing with so much of the present, that you don't want to think of the future with its sorrow and loss. Identify with them and be respectful.
I also went to see the church in Baltimore where we got married, and could picture us, in the prime of good health, and very much in love. But now Bob again weighs what he did when we got married. And it is a very different picture now. He just sits and looks at the food and can't figure out what to do with it. They feed him, and I go early when I can to help with that, and bring him snacks and goodies in the middle of the afternoon. He still has his sweet tooth....
I am getting ready to leave this frozen land soon and go where it is warm and take 9 year old Libby to Disney World during her Spring break. Isn't Disney World the happiest place on earth? So I will identify with the younger generation during that time, and hopefully monsoons and tornadoes won't be able to catch us! Life goes on!
Until next time,
Betty
Sunday, January 27, 2019
I just returned from a cruise a week ago today. From warm tropical isles to the deep freeze of the Midwest! I am going to take a break and digress from "Journey through Alzheimer's" on this post and title this one "Adventures on the Love Boat." The ship we sailed on was the Pacific Princess, the smallest now of the Princess fleet, but it was the ship that the TV series "The Love Boat" was filmed on. It was the perfect size, about 650 passengers, instead of the megaships of today. I was booked on this very cruise 3 years ago with Bob and some dear friends, Harry and Gail Janke, and their daughter Heather. But Bob got too bad to travel from the time we booked until the time we sailed, so we had to cancel. This year Jankes were going again, so I asked if I could try this again, and they said, "Sure, come along!" But 2 days before the cruise Heather got sick and they had to cancel. I had already decided if something happened I would go ahead and go by myself, so that is what I did! So saying, I am going to introduce you to some of my fellow travelers that I met on the Love Boat.
I was assigned to a table for 8. The seniors at the table were a couple aged 99 (she celebrated her birthday on the ship) and her husband aged 98 (she said she was a cougar!) They were just as "with it" as any of the rest of us, and needed no mobility devices. Another couple lives in Vancouver, B.C. She was from Finland and he was from Denmark, and they met dancing in Vancouver. Then there was a dapper gentleman from New Jersey complete with the identifying accent that dressed in a suit almost every night for dinner. His daughter kept his homefires burning while he cruised the world, even having been on the Queen Mary. Last, but not least, was a couple from Atlanta, who also cruised a lot. He had worked for AT&T and she had been a church secretary. Charlie kept playing pranks on the room stewards and waiters, so we had a lively group. We were always the last table to leave the dining room as we bonded together the first evening!
Our table (except for the elder couple who went to bed) always went to the excellent evening shows. At one of the shows the performer was a lady who played the piano suberbly. During one love song that she played she asked the gentlemen in the audience to reach over and hold their lady's hand. I was amazing as I surreptitiously looked around to see men still sitting with their arms folded and their legs crossed. Bob would have grabbed my hand immediately and squeezed it hard! After the show, the folks at our table usually gravitated upstairs to the Pacific Lounge. There the ship staff sponsored an hour of games etc. that were a lot of fun. This particular night it was karaoke night. I was still thinking about what had happened during the show with the pianist. So believe it or not, and I still can't believe it myself, I got up to sing karaoke! I was going to sing an Elvis song, "Have I told you lately that I love you", as it is a favorite of Bob and mine. But they didn't have it on the playlist, so we agreed on "Peace in the Valley." I enlisted the help of another man singer who had a beautiful voice who was going next to sing with me. But first I made a little speech. I told the smaller audience there about what I had observed at the show. I told them I was supposed to take this cruise with the love of my life 3 years ago, but that his Alzheimer's had gotten too bad, and we had to cancel. I told them he would have loved this cruise, and would have gotten out and directed traffic going through the Panama Canal! So I told them, please don't wait to hold your lover's hand and tell them you love them, as you never know the future, and some day it might be too late. One of the tablemates jumped up and hugged me when we were finished the song, which certainly didn't rival the other singers that participated!
Then there were the 2 ladies I sat with at breakfast one morning. One was a retired nurse, 87 years old, and she was traveling with her caregiver of many years. She was in the last stages of kidney disease, and she was choosing not to go on dialysis. So this would be her last cruise. Of course she was diabetic as well, but very mobile and independent. But her caregiver said whenever she wasn't looking, she would sneak cans of non-diet pop. Good for her!
I met so many wonderful people, but the last couple I will tell you about was a couple that was always dancing, whenever and at whatever venue they found to dance. He was from Columbia, and she was from South Korea, and they met dancing in San Francisco, where they now live. She had the most gorgeous dresses, and they were always so filmy, so that it looked like she was floating across the dance floor. Everyone how the ship talked about how beautifully they danced together--it was a show in itself, watching them. I always spoke to her and called her "beautiful" and she would just beam. I got better acquainted with them on a land tour. He had even taken a $2000 massage therapy class as she has back problems and he could rub her back when she was in pain. At breakfast the last morning, I saw them sitting alone, and asked if I could join them. Immediately I saw it was a mistake. Her eyes were red from crying, and when her husband left to go to the buffet again, she told me "next time I am going to take a cruise alone like you are doing." When he came back to the table, he put his hand on her shoulder and she said "get away from me." So my bubble of their fairytale romance was burst, and I only hope they can work it out. Life is not all a bowl of cherries, is it?
I went to see Bob the day after I got home. I was still feeling like I was rockin' and rollin' on the ship like some do after a cruise (something to do with the inner ear!) The housemother at The Piper told me a story that Bob was sitting at the dinner table with 2 other men, and the other men got to arguing about something, which I always smile at, because it makes no sense, and neither of them know what they are talking about. But this particular night Bob had had enough and he yelled "SHUT UP!" That tickled my funny bone, especially since Bob does not make sense when he talks either, and he doesn't talk much now, and also it is so uncharacteristic of him! But that came out loud and clear! I am not sure he knew me, but we held hands and I sang karaoke to him. It is a song he always requested "You are my sunshine."
Hang in there folks through this winter when the sun isn't shining! I have cruise memories to keep me warm!
Betty
I was assigned to a table for 8. The seniors at the table were a couple aged 99 (she celebrated her birthday on the ship) and her husband aged 98 (she said she was a cougar!) They were just as "with it" as any of the rest of us, and needed no mobility devices. Another couple lives in Vancouver, B.C. She was from Finland and he was from Denmark, and they met dancing in Vancouver. Then there was a dapper gentleman from New Jersey complete with the identifying accent that dressed in a suit almost every night for dinner. His daughter kept his homefires burning while he cruised the world, even having been on the Queen Mary. Last, but not least, was a couple from Atlanta, who also cruised a lot. He had worked for AT&T and she had been a church secretary. Charlie kept playing pranks on the room stewards and waiters, so we had a lively group. We were always the last table to leave the dining room as we bonded together the first evening!
Our table (except for the elder couple who went to bed) always went to the excellent evening shows. At one of the shows the performer was a lady who played the piano suberbly. During one love song that she played she asked the gentlemen in the audience to reach over and hold their lady's hand. I was amazing as I surreptitiously looked around to see men still sitting with their arms folded and their legs crossed. Bob would have grabbed my hand immediately and squeezed it hard! After the show, the folks at our table usually gravitated upstairs to the Pacific Lounge. There the ship staff sponsored an hour of games etc. that were a lot of fun. This particular night it was karaoke night. I was still thinking about what had happened during the show with the pianist. So believe it or not, and I still can't believe it myself, I got up to sing karaoke! I was going to sing an Elvis song, "Have I told you lately that I love you", as it is a favorite of Bob and mine. But they didn't have it on the playlist, so we agreed on "Peace in the Valley." I enlisted the help of another man singer who had a beautiful voice who was going next to sing with me. But first I made a little speech. I told the smaller audience there about what I had observed at the show. I told them I was supposed to take this cruise with the love of my life 3 years ago, but that his Alzheimer's had gotten too bad, and we had to cancel. I told them he would have loved this cruise, and would have gotten out and directed traffic going through the Panama Canal! So I told them, please don't wait to hold your lover's hand and tell them you love them, as you never know the future, and some day it might be too late. One of the tablemates jumped up and hugged me when we were finished the song, which certainly didn't rival the other singers that participated!
Then there were the 2 ladies I sat with at breakfast one morning. One was a retired nurse, 87 years old, and she was traveling with her caregiver of many years. She was in the last stages of kidney disease, and she was choosing not to go on dialysis. So this would be her last cruise. Of course she was diabetic as well, but very mobile and independent. But her caregiver said whenever she wasn't looking, she would sneak cans of non-diet pop. Good for her!
I met so many wonderful people, but the last couple I will tell you about was a couple that was always dancing, whenever and at whatever venue they found to dance. He was from Columbia, and she was from South Korea, and they met dancing in San Francisco, where they now live. She had the most gorgeous dresses, and they were always so filmy, so that it looked like she was floating across the dance floor. Everyone how the ship talked about how beautifully they danced together--it was a show in itself, watching them. I always spoke to her and called her "beautiful" and she would just beam. I got better acquainted with them on a land tour. He had even taken a $2000 massage therapy class as she has back problems and he could rub her back when she was in pain. At breakfast the last morning, I saw them sitting alone, and asked if I could join them. Immediately I saw it was a mistake. Her eyes were red from crying, and when her husband left to go to the buffet again, she told me "next time I am going to take a cruise alone like you are doing." When he came back to the table, he put his hand on her shoulder and she said "get away from me." So my bubble of their fairytale romance was burst, and I only hope they can work it out. Life is not all a bowl of cherries, is it?
I went to see Bob the day after I got home. I was still feeling like I was rockin' and rollin' on the ship like some do after a cruise (something to do with the inner ear!) The housemother at The Piper told me a story that Bob was sitting at the dinner table with 2 other men, and the other men got to arguing about something, which I always smile at, because it makes no sense, and neither of them know what they are talking about. But this particular night Bob had had enough and he yelled "SHUT UP!" That tickled my funny bone, especially since Bob does not make sense when he talks either, and he doesn't talk much now, and also it is so uncharacteristic of him! But that came out loud and clear! I am not sure he knew me, but we held hands and I sang karaoke to him. It is a song he always requested "You are my sunshine."
Hang in there folks through this winter when the sun isn't shining! I have cruise memories to keep me warm!
Betty
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
It is the holiday season again. With it come all the emotions and feelings known to mankind (and womankind)! Joy, peace, happiness, loneliness, stress, cold, warmth, dreariness, dread, family tensions, love, laughter, sorrow, to name just a few. The business of unfinished shopping, wrapping, baking, and parties crowd out what the season is really about--the birth of a babe in a manger long ago in Bethlehem. And for those that are grieving, the feelings are just intensified. No matter how long it has been since the lost of a loved one, memories flood your eyes, and water drops to your shirt or blouse. Like Willie Nelson says in his new song "It is not something you get over, it is something you get through." And many will feel, I am afraid, that they just have to get through the holidays.
For me, some memories are especially poignant even though I technically haven't lost Bob yet.
Kneeling in church together, our arms intertwined, especially when the church is decorated beautifully.
Hearing a favorite song on the car radio, and reaching over to take his hand, and have him squeeze mine. One of our favorites was when Elvis sang "Have I told you lately that I love you?"
Cuddling up to sleep when baby it is cold outside!
Watching a football game together, and "sometimes" yelling till we were hoarse. He especially liked to watch Notre Dame--the "fighting Irish"! (And he did root for the Chiefs!)
Decorating the house for Christmas together. His favorite job was putting the candle lights in the windows.
Watching him enjoy the fruits of my labor when I baked the special foods of the season. He even liked fruitcake, so I baked them for him from an old recipe that he liked.
Preparing the Christmas cards together. His job was to put the stamps and the return address labels on. We would comment about each friend and family that the card was addressed to, and hope that we would get a letter or a note this year instead of just a signature on the card!
For some reason, it has been especially hard for me to do the cards this year. Do I sign both of our names on the card? He doesn't know they are even being sent out. (I finally ended up signing both our names, since the enclosed picture is of both of us.)
I found the following in www.thegrieftoolbox.com. It is the Bereaved Holiday Season Bill of Rights by Tanya Lord. "As a grieving person you have certain inalienable rights that cannot be taken away from you by those who may not understand."
When grieving during the holiday season you have the right to:
*To feel what you feel and to be politely honest with others about it. If you do not feel merry, cheerful or otherwise festive then say so.
*The right to not share your feelings if you would rather. "I am fine" is okay to say.
*To not go to parties or family gatherings where your loved one and your grief are not welcome.
*To take time for yourself. Whether this is a walk alone, a day in bed or some other momentary escape.
*To cry when it hurts, to laugh when something is funny, and to smile when you are happy, and to not feel guilty about any of it.
*To have your loved one remembered in a way that is meaningful to you.
*To change your mind over and over during any get together, event or party. You may not know what you can or cannot handle until faced with it.
*To change traditions when necessary or desired. Traditions are supposed to bring comfort, not distress.
*To enjoy your holidays. Your loved one is going to be celebrating with you. It doesn't mean that you have forgotten or are being disrespectful. Living is a wonderful way to honor them.
Bob is still doing as well as can be expected. On the weekends different friends come with me to
The Piper and we have sing-a-longs of Christmas carols and Christmas songs with the residents. It is amazing how many of the songs they know and remember the words to! You should hear them sing "Rockin' around the Christmas tree" and "We wish you a merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
Last week we shared memories of Christmas that were special to them--cutting the tree, ice skating, blizzards and warm bonfires. Even in that incongruous setting, I could see joy in their eyes. I don't know if any of them rode in a one horse open sleigh, but they sure can ring the bells when we sing "Jingle Bells"!
During this special season I hope you will join me in finding things that will make you happy, and give you peace. As it said above, "Living is a wonderful way to honor them." So go ahead! Live
life to the fullest, and take time to enjoy it.
Love to each of you,
Betty
For me, some memories are especially poignant even though I technically haven't lost Bob yet.
Kneeling in church together, our arms intertwined, especially when the church is decorated beautifully.
Hearing a favorite song on the car radio, and reaching over to take his hand, and have him squeeze mine. One of our favorites was when Elvis sang "Have I told you lately that I love you?"
Cuddling up to sleep when baby it is cold outside!
Watching a football game together, and "sometimes" yelling till we were hoarse. He especially liked to watch Notre Dame--the "fighting Irish"! (And he did root for the Chiefs!)
Decorating the house for Christmas together. His favorite job was putting the candle lights in the windows.
Watching him enjoy the fruits of my labor when I baked the special foods of the season. He even liked fruitcake, so I baked them for him from an old recipe that he liked.
Preparing the Christmas cards together. His job was to put the stamps and the return address labels on. We would comment about each friend and family that the card was addressed to, and hope that we would get a letter or a note this year instead of just a signature on the card!
For some reason, it has been especially hard for me to do the cards this year. Do I sign both of our names on the card? He doesn't know they are even being sent out. (I finally ended up signing both our names, since the enclosed picture is of both of us.)
I found the following in www.thegrieftoolbox.com. It is the Bereaved Holiday Season Bill of Rights by Tanya Lord. "As a grieving person you have certain inalienable rights that cannot be taken away from you by those who may not understand."
When grieving during the holiday season you have the right to:
*To feel what you feel and to be politely honest with others about it. If you do not feel merry, cheerful or otherwise festive then say so.
*The right to not share your feelings if you would rather. "I am fine" is okay to say.
*To not go to parties or family gatherings where your loved one and your grief are not welcome.
*To take time for yourself. Whether this is a walk alone, a day in bed or some other momentary escape.
*To cry when it hurts, to laugh when something is funny, and to smile when you are happy, and to not feel guilty about any of it.
*To have your loved one remembered in a way that is meaningful to you.
*To change your mind over and over during any get together, event or party. You may not know what you can or cannot handle until faced with it.
*To change traditions when necessary or desired. Traditions are supposed to bring comfort, not distress.
*To enjoy your holidays. Your loved one is going to be celebrating with you. It doesn't mean that you have forgotten or are being disrespectful. Living is a wonderful way to honor them.
Bob is still doing as well as can be expected. On the weekends different friends come with me to
The Piper and we have sing-a-longs of Christmas carols and Christmas songs with the residents. It is amazing how many of the songs they know and remember the words to! You should hear them sing "Rockin' around the Christmas tree" and "We wish you a merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
Last week we shared memories of Christmas that were special to them--cutting the tree, ice skating, blizzards and warm bonfires. Even in that incongruous setting, I could see joy in their eyes. I don't know if any of them rode in a one horse open sleigh, but they sure can ring the bells when we sing "Jingle Bells"!
During this special season I hope you will join me in finding things that will make you happy, and give you peace. As it said above, "Living is a wonderful way to honor them." So go ahead! Live
life to the fullest, and take time to enjoy it.
Love to each of you,
Betty
Monday, November 12, 2018
We are entering the Thanksgiving season and I have a lot to be thankful for. The last month Bob has really been alert, engaged and happy. He is speaking in full sentences, something he has not done for a year. Some of them make sense, and some don't, but I am thankful for anything I can get! Recently he mentioned the words "General Conference". I tried to pry further, but that was all he cared to comment at that moment. What blew me away was that is was during the time the annual council were taking place and the discussions were quite significant to the cause of women's ordination that Bob has always been passionately in favor of. He was always quite involved in annual council when he worked at the General Conference headquarters in Maryland. There is no way he could have been aware of that timing. Or was there.......
I am so thankful for the assurance that hospice is there. I am so thankful for the caregivers at The Piper. They do not have an easy job, and I know I could not do that type of nursing. I would much rather do acute care where patience is not continually called for. Last week The Piper had a couples lunch, complete with dim lights, soft music and gourmet food. Bob can feed himself again (he was not feeding himself this summer) and the lunch with only 4 couples was delightful. I have a whole new circle of friends as a result of Bob's illness, and they are a blessing to me, and I hope I am a blessing to them. I am so thankful that God is caring for Bob through the hands and hearts of others, and I am at peace.
"There is much pain to endure when watching a loved one with dementia.
There is the pain of perpetual grief. There is the raw wound of continual loss.
There is the struggle to preserve their dignity, and the desire
to respect the present and cling to the past.
However
in the midst of the heartache there is a small glimmer of light
that exists to remind us of the things that dementia can't take away--
the warmth of a touch, the importance of smiles and laughter
and the knowledge of what it truly means to experience unconditional love and acceptance."
---author unknown
"How do you spell love?"--Piglet
"You don't spell love, you are in love."--Pooh
I am so sad as I watch and hear about the devastation and chaos in California. I cannot get the
people there off my mind, and I cannot imagine what their Thanksgiving will be like. I am sure it will come down to the fact that they are thankful they are alive, and are grateful for the dedication of the firefighters and relief workers. What the world needs now is love and compassion for those whom we share this planet with. I hope I can share that love in my little corner of the world. I hope I can brighten someone's life with just a smile, or a simple touch on the arm. I hope I can offer a shoulder to cry on, if that is what they need. Bob's favorite saying used to be "I love you, a bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck." And he gave a lot of them!
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."---Melody Beattie
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Betty
I am so thankful for the assurance that hospice is there. I am so thankful for the caregivers at The Piper. They do not have an easy job, and I know I could not do that type of nursing. I would much rather do acute care where patience is not continually called for. Last week The Piper had a couples lunch, complete with dim lights, soft music and gourmet food. Bob can feed himself again (he was not feeding himself this summer) and the lunch with only 4 couples was delightful. I have a whole new circle of friends as a result of Bob's illness, and they are a blessing to me, and I hope I am a blessing to them. I am so thankful that God is caring for Bob through the hands and hearts of others, and I am at peace.
"There is much pain to endure when watching a loved one with dementia.
There is the pain of perpetual grief. There is the raw wound of continual loss.
There is the struggle to preserve their dignity, and the desire
to respect the present and cling to the past.
However
in the midst of the heartache there is a small glimmer of light
that exists to remind us of the things that dementia can't take away--
the warmth of a touch, the importance of smiles and laughter
and the knowledge of what it truly means to experience unconditional love and acceptance."
---author unknown
"How do you spell love?"--Piglet
"You don't spell love, you are in love."--Pooh
I am so sad as I watch and hear about the devastation and chaos in California. I cannot get the
people there off my mind, and I cannot imagine what their Thanksgiving will be like. I am sure it will come down to the fact that they are thankful they are alive, and are grateful for the dedication of the firefighters and relief workers. What the world needs now is love and compassion for those whom we share this planet with. I hope I can share that love in my little corner of the world. I hope I can brighten someone's life with just a smile, or a simple touch on the arm. I hope I can offer a shoulder to cry on, if that is what they need. Bob's favorite saying used to be "I love you, a bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck." And he gave a lot of them!
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."---Melody Beattie
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Betty
Sunday, September 9, 2018
Today is Bob's 78th birthday. Permit me, if you will, to be a bit introspective. When he was placed on hospice about a year and a half ago, I was sure he wouldn't make it to his 77th birthday, let alone his 78th. I am thankful for the borrowed time we have been given. It has been a blessing to me, and I cherish it. His brother was here to see him from Baltimore, and Bob looked at Steve like a conspirator and laughed and said "I know you"; probably thinking of antics in their past life. But he couldn't say his name. Our daughter Valerie was here for his birthday and she told him she loved him and he answered back "I love you too." But he couldn't say her name. It is weird that he never has the blank look in his eyes that other residents have. He does when he first wakes up, and it takes him awhile to wake up, but then he seems more aware and more communicative than he was a year ago.
I don't know how many of you watched the story on "60 Minutes" with Carol and Mike. CBS has been following them for a decade from when she was diagnosed to the present. I watched it with tears in my eyes, as their story parallels ours almost exactly. She was diagnosed in 2008; Bob in 2009. They have been married 54 years; we just celebrated our 55th. Mike said "I am a big NYC cop, I can care for her at home, no problem." I said, "I am a nurse, I can care for Bob at home, no problem." But 10 years later Mike was to the brink of suicide, and has placed her in a facility. I was not to the brink of suicide, but I knew I had to place Bob before I became severely depressed.
The program went on to give some statistics. For every one Alzheimer's patient, 10 people are affected. Treatment is usually started too late; it should be started when symptoms are first noticed. A big part of Alzheimer's research is now focusing on how to detect the disease earlier. A guideline for how to live the rest of your life and end of life choices should be discussed with next of kin, and those wishes should be respected as much as possible. Most Alzheimer's patients live less than 10 years; most live 4-8 years. But I have a friend whose husband was diagnosed 18 years ago, so it is a very broad spectrum. On a side note--remember to make a copy of your new Medicare card and keep it at home. It is not your social security number any more--thankfully! And give the new number to all your care providers!
Over the last few years my patience has been tested and I have wondered "where do I go from here."
But so many times the answers have come to me and I can't help but say "That had to be you, God".
And I couldn't have made it this far without the help of family and friends and a wonderful support group. I have talked in this blog about Bob's stamp collection and wondered what to do with it. After contacting several dealers I came up with the same answer every time--it is worth nothing, just use the stamps on your letters (which I don't write any more!) But I have started giving sheets of them away as gifts, as people do use them occasionally! I sent one to my cousin in South Dakota. Her father was a stamp collector, and Bob initially got interested through him. Now my cousin has his collection, and she still collects a little. This cousin is more like a sister to me than a cousin, except we don't fight. So we were chatting on the phone and I was telling her I was flumoxxed as to know what to do with Bob's collection. Long story short, it turns out that she still is in contact with her high school history teacher who is still an avid stamp collector. And better yet, he wants stamps from all over the world so he can work with underprivileged children and get them interested in stamp collecting just for the joy of it, and the knowledge it brings. Bob would have liked nothing better to happen to his stamp collection. So I loaded the whole collection in the car, plus many loose stamps I had from a few years as a child in Africa, and drove to South Dakota. Not only did we have a great time, another closet in my house is cleaned out! It had to be a God thing!
As I reflect further, I can't help of thinking about my friends who have loved and lost recently. A spouse, a son, and even a beloved pet. I think of Nancy Reagan and the love of her life, President Ronald Reagan, who had Alzheimer's. His daughter Patti Davis wrote a book "The Long Goodbye: Memories of My Father". When will it be MY turn?
From my favorite website: glmidailyinspiration@gmail.com--The truth is, we always know in our heart the proper course of action to take in any given circumstance. But too often, we allow our doubts, fears, anxieties, etc. to speak louder than that voice of reason, and convince us in our minds to do something contrary...possibly leading to a long and difficult journey down the wrong path. Taking the time to "be still", and listen to your heart and the "still small voice" of the Spirit, will pay endless dividends.
A final quote from The Land Before Time--
Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely.
Until next time,
Betty
I don't know how many of you watched the story on "60 Minutes" with Carol and Mike. CBS has been following them for a decade from when she was diagnosed to the present. I watched it with tears in my eyes, as their story parallels ours almost exactly. She was diagnosed in 2008; Bob in 2009. They have been married 54 years; we just celebrated our 55th. Mike said "I am a big NYC cop, I can care for her at home, no problem." I said, "I am a nurse, I can care for Bob at home, no problem." But 10 years later Mike was to the brink of suicide, and has placed her in a facility. I was not to the brink of suicide, but I knew I had to place Bob before I became severely depressed.
The program went on to give some statistics. For every one Alzheimer's patient, 10 people are affected. Treatment is usually started too late; it should be started when symptoms are first noticed. A big part of Alzheimer's research is now focusing on how to detect the disease earlier. A guideline for how to live the rest of your life and end of life choices should be discussed with next of kin, and those wishes should be respected as much as possible. Most Alzheimer's patients live less than 10 years; most live 4-8 years. But I have a friend whose husband was diagnosed 18 years ago, so it is a very broad spectrum. On a side note--remember to make a copy of your new Medicare card and keep it at home. It is not your social security number any more--thankfully! And give the new number to all your care providers!
Over the last few years my patience has been tested and I have wondered "where do I go from here."
But so many times the answers have come to me and I can't help but say "That had to be you, God".
And I couldn't have made it this far without the help of family and friends and a wonderful support group. I have talked in this blog about Bob's stamp collection and wondered what to do with it. After contacting several dealers I came up with the same answer every time--it is worth nothing, just use the stamps on your letters (which I don't write any more!) But I have started giving sheets of them away as gifts, as people do use them occasionally! I sent one to my cousin in South Dakota. Her father was a stamp collector, and Bob initially got interested through him. Now my cousin has his collection, and she still collects a little. This cousin is more like a sister to me than a cousin, except we don't fight. So we were chatting on the phone and I was telling her I was flumoxxed as to know what to do with Bob's collection. Long story short, it turns out that she still is in contact with her high school history teacher who is still an avid stamp collector. And better yet, he wants stamps from all over the world so he can work with underprivileged children and get them interested in stamp collecting just for the joy of it, and the knowledge it brings. Bob would have liked nothing better to happen to his stamp collection. So I loaded the whole collection in the car, plus many loose stamps I had from a few years as a child in Africa, and drove to South Dakota. Not only did we have a great time, another closet in my house is cleaned out! It had to be a God thing!
As I reflect further, I can't help of thinking about my friends who have loved and lost recently. A spouse, a son, and even a beloved pet. I think of Nancy Reagan and the love of her life, President Ronald Reagan, who had Alzheimer's. His daughter Patti Davis wrote a book "The Long Goodbye: Memories of My Father". When will it be MY turn?
From my favorite website: glmidailyinspiration@gmail.com--The truth is, we always know in our heart the proper course of action to take in any given circumstance. But too often, we allow our doubts, fears, anxieties, etc. to speak louder than that voice of reason, and convince us in our minds to do something contrary...possibly leading to a long and difficult journey down the wrong path. Taking the time to "be still", and listen to your heart and the "still small voice" of the Spirit, will pay endless dividends.
A final quote from The Land Before Time--
Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely.
Until next time,
Betty
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
I haven't posted a blog in awhile. I have Libby, our 8 year old granddaughter with me for the summer, and we have been busy! But we go out to see Pop Pop every 2 or 3 days and she loves to push him around in the wheel chair and feed him if we are there at mealtime or take him a special treat. He brightens visibly when she enters the room, as do the other residents. I got Libby a doll that looks amazingly like a real baby. She has taken it when we go visit and Bob will hold the doll just like he would a real baby and talk to it just like he would a baby. After we had a sing-a-long one afternoon, Libby gave the doll to another resident to hold and the lady sat there and sang to the doll for at least half an hour.
Bob is on a plateau right now. His condition isn't changing for the better or for the worse. Memorial Day weekend I came home from picking up Libby in TN, Valerie and her family all came here. We were having breakfast one morning when the nurse from The Piper called and said Bob was unresponsive. They didn't witness it, but thought he had had a seizure as he had bitten his tongue and blood was coming from his mouth. He has not had a seizure before, so this was a surprise. But the hospice nurse came and checked him and also thought that was what had happened. She said it was just the progression of the disease. I didn't know that could happen, but I googled it, and it evidently is part of the disease process. By the time we got there though, he was starting to respond again, and by afternoon was pretty well recovered.
One incident happened this summer that caught me off guard. I would expect it, if he had passed and I was changing names to just my name on accounts. At the advice of my attorney, the house and car are changed to just be in my name, but I haven't worried about utility accounts, and probably wouldn't ever worry about them. His name is on all those accounts, but they certainly don't say anything when I pay the bills in my name! But it was different with a cable company who shall remain unnamed! I tried to cancel a channel and they asked to speak to Robert for verification, since the account was in his name. I explained why I couldn't do that, and they said I would have to come to their office with my power of attorney papers.....I told them they hadn't said a word all the 40 years that my name was on the credit card that had the autopay charged to it. When I took the papers in the office in a file folder and told them I wanted to change the account to my name, they didn't ask to see them, just told me they were so sorry for my loss. I let it go at that!
I read a book recently by Dick Edwards, a retired Mayo Clinic eldercare specialist. It is called "Mom, Dad...Can We Talk?" It is written for the children of aging parents who are trying to figure out solutions for their parents "golden" years. I loved this: "I noticed when my parents stopped trying to stay young, they began to enjoy growing older." (paraphrased)
My whole blog is written for the purpose of trying to negotiate that rocky road and be prepared for surprises. But my daily devotion site "Guiding Light Ministries International" had this gem this morning: It was titled "Stop, in the Name of Love"
Sometimes, you just have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how they're meant to be.
We often tend to over-think things...doing mental gymnastics, worrying and fretting over very possibility and detail, trying to figure out how to make things work out the we that WE think they should. But there comes a time, when you simply have to lay all that aside and take a step of faith, knowing that things will always work out for your certain good. Life becomes SO much less complicated when you do....moving forward without preconceived notions, knowing and trusting that all will fall into place, if you only believe! (author unknown)
Libby told me the other morning when she woke up that she had a dream during the night where she was being chased by a bunch of old people in wheelchairs! Maybe they were enjoying the "thrill of the chase"! But I am going to get a motorized wheelchair when that time comes, so I can keep ahead of her and maybe pop wheelies while I am at it!
Yours to enjoying growing older!
Betty
Bob is on a plateau right now. His condition isn't changing for the better or for the worse. Memorial Day weekend I came home from picking up Libby in TN, Valerie and her family all came here. We were having breakfast one morning when the nurse from The Piper called and said Bob was unresponsive. They didn't witness it, but thought he had had a seizure as he had bitten his tongue and blood was coming from his mouth. He has not had a seizure before, so this was a surprise. But the hospice nurse came and checked him and also thought that was what had happened. She said it was just the progression of the disease. I didn't know that could happen, but I googled it, and it evidently is part of the disease process. By the time we got there though, he was starting to respond again, and by afternoon was pretty well recovered.
One incident happened this summer that caught me off guard. I would expect it, if he had passed and I was changing names to just my name on accounts. At the advice of my attorney, the house and car are changed to just be in my name, but I haven't worried about utility accounts, and probably wouldn't ever worry about them. His name is on all those accounts, but they certainly don't say anything when I pay the bills in my name! But it was different with a cable company who shall remain unnamed! I tried to cancel a channel and they asked to speak to Robert for verification, since the account was in his name. I explained why I couldn't do that, and they said I would have to come to their office with my power of attorney papers.....I told them they hadn't said a word all the 40 years that my name was on the credit card that had the autopay charged to it. When I took the papers in the office in a file folder and told them I wanted to change the account to my name, they didn't ask to see them, just told me they were so sorry for my loss. I let it go at that!
I read a book recently by Dick Edwards, a retired Mayo Clinic eldercare specialist. It is called "Mom, Dad...Can We Talk?" It is written for the children of aging parents who are trying to figure out solutions for their parents "golden" years. I loved this: "I noticed when my parents stopped trying to stay young, they began to enjoy growing older." (paraphrased)
My whole blog is written for the purpose of trying to negotiate that rocky road and be prepared for surprises. But my daily devotion site "Guiding Light Ministries International" had this gem this morning: It was titled "Stop, in the Name of Love"
Sometimes, you just have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how they're meant to be.
We often tend to over-think things...doing mental gymnastics, worrying and fretting over very possibility and detail, trying to figure out how to make things work out the we that WE think they should. But there comes a time, when you simply have to lay all that aside and take a step of faith, knowing that things will always work out for your certain good. Life becomes SO much less complicated when you do....moving forward without preconceived notions, knowing and trusting that all will fall into place, if you only believe! (author unknown)
Libby told me the other morning when she woke up that she had a dream during the night where she was being chased by a bunch of old people in wheelchairs! Maybe they were enjoying the "thrill of the chase"! But I am going to get a motorized wheelchair when that time comes, so I can keep ahead of her and maybe pop wheelies while I am at it!
Yours to enjoying growing older!
Betty
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